A pause, at least

I'm going to suspend posting to this blog. Now that I'm in a real relationship, instead of just thinking about a hypothetical one, I want to shift my focus. I think that this blog could become a big distraction. Also, now that I'm close to L, I don't feel right about exposing our private lives, even behind the veil of anonymity. Not without her knowledge and consent, anyway.

This blog has been helpful, and I particularly appreciate the feedback I've gotten from like-minded folks. You're welcome to e-mail me.

I don't expect to post again until one of two things happen: I have told L about this blog and gotten her approval, or our relationship is over. Wish me luck!

How we like it

L and I celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday. Her idea, to avoid the crowded restaurants tonight. I like how this woman thinks! She came over to my house first, and we exchanged gifts, with lots of kissing along the way. It was quite fun. We are definitely enthused about each other! Then out to a very nice, leisurely dinner, and then back to my place where we continued to get acquainted with each other's bodies and desires. I'll say we made love, although our pants stayed on. It's wonderful how much we enjoy each other. And I like our style, too. There's a good deal of assymetry in our lovemaking, and L seems quite comfortable with it.

I spent a whole lot of time licking, sucking, and nibbling L's breasts. Devoting myself to her pleasure. She was quite willing to lay back and enjoy my attention, and just run her fingers through my hair.

I made oral love to her feet. L tried to dissuade me, saying her feet were the least favorite part of her body. But I pressed gently on, and we had a good time with this. While I was working on one of her feet with my mouth she pulled off one of my socks.

L: Would you like me to reciprocate?

s: No.

L: I like that!

And her attitude spurred me on as I adored her feet.

I also did a log of grinding against her, pressing my erection against her, though all our clothes, dry-humping her, really. At one point I got close to coming and grasped her tightly and moaned, and just managed to hold myself back. I lay still a bit and let myself down from the edge. Then I told L that in was really intense, almost coming, and that I enjoyed it. She asked me to explain.

s: Well, there's some frustration. But I get to be turned on longer, and I like that. And I get to share being turned on with you, and I really like that.

I made a few weak pelvic thrusts against her leg, just reminders of the intense strokes of a few minutes earlier.

L: That's very interesting.

And she had this look like she was tucking this fact away, for later use.

I like how we are together, and I have hopes that our lovemaking will become more and more asymmetrical. I feel very fortunate.

And like that, I've got a girlfriend

I saw L again mid-week. We took a walk in the cold and saw a movie. We snuggled, oh that was nice, and we laughed the hardest at the same parts. We had another leisurely dinner, and a wide-ranging, lively conversation. I really like L, and she's fun. Then we went back to her house and she invited me in. She showed me around a bit and made us tea. And then we snuggled again and kissed and more, and it was wonderful. Wonderful to feel connected with L, to feel so at ease with her.

There's nothing overtly femdom about our relationship. But there are a few hopeful signs. L is very direct, she's commented on this, and I've noticed it. I was quite the gentleman. As I started to unbutton her sweater I told her to let me know if I did anything she wasn't comfortable with. "Your comfort is very important to me. And your pleasure." I wanted to make it clear that while I was taking the lead, she retained control.

And our lovemaking was somewhat one-sided. L kissed me passionately, but only on my mouth. I kissed and licked her many places besides her mouth. I licked and sucked her nipples for a long time, and she lay back and enjoyed it. While I enjoyed her enjoyment. :) And I made clear my desire to go down on her. I nuzzled her pussy through her pants, which stayed on, and told her I wanted to lick her there, too. "Another day," she said.

We hugged a lot and parted slowly. I smiled all the next day.

L is out of town for the weekend. I'll see her next on Tuesday, when we're going to celebrate Valentines Day a day early. Her idea, to avoid the rush of people at restaurants.

I'm trying to avoid looking ahead too much, to just enjoy what we have without fretting about how this might develop. I have noticed that I'm ogling other women less and less, as L and I get closer. Focus is good.

The power of declaring

L and I had our third date yesterday, to the science museum and then out to dinner. I had decided beforehand that I wanted to date only L. She interests me far more than anyone else I've met, and I want to focus, and see where that leads. So at dinner I told her this--the part about deciding I would date only her. And as soon as I did, I felt a slight twinge of sexual arousal. Some part of me was saying "Yes, this is the way to be sexual. Committment is erotic." Very interesting.

We had a leisurely dinner, then she drove me back to my car and we talked some more. And I wanted to kiss her, or at least find out if she wanted to, too. So I leaned in and said, "I want to kiss you", and she said "I'm agreeable", and so we did, several times. And it was good.

We also declared that we are Valentines.

Tonight we talked on the phone, over an hour, a wide-ranging conversation. I told her about getting aroused at dinner--another declaration. I feel like I'm offering myself up to her--my commiitment, my arousal--and it feels good.

Going slow, but OK

Maybe it's the season, the chill of winter slowing everything down. I haven't felt particularly interested in sex or subbish thoughts lately. There has been a little movement on the dating front.

I met one other woman through eHarmony. I like her and I enjoyed her company, but I can't say I feel anything sexual towards her. This is starting to sound like my last post, about L, whom I also met through eHarmony. Maybe this is about myself, more than them. Anyway, we parted with a mutual declaration that we want to see each other again. Nothing definite.

L and I are back from our trips. We talked on the phone tonight, and reconnected. She is easy to talk with, and I like that. I often don't feel at ease on the phone, even with old friends. Not the case with L. We talked for over an hour, and made plans for a Saturday date. The science museum then dinner. L suggested a place I wasn't familiar with, and I agreed. As we were wrapping up, I asked if she would like me to make a reservation.

L: Yes, that would please me.

subboy: Oh good, I do enjoy pleasing.

So this snippet of conversation pleased me. Slow movement, but in a good direction.

On another front, my massage business is off to a modest start. My January earnings almost paid the rent, not quite. I do have two appointments booked for this coming Saturday, which means February will be off to a fast start, relatively speaking. I've taken some steps to market my practice. Talking to strangers about myself--yikes! Definitely out of my comfort zone. Bit by bit, I'm becoming more used to it.

And I am very much enjoying giving massage in my office. I gave one today to D, the woman I rent from. We're trading practice, with an eye towards referring clients to each other. She worked on me last week, and I completed the trade today. I was nervous, and made a few mistakes early on. But I got more focused as the massage progressed, and ended up satisfied with the massage. It wasn't sexual, but I was very much getting into providing attentive service. And D was quite pleased with my work. That was very gratifying. She's going to refer her boyfriend to me. Ah, the twist I could put on that! But I don't think I'll go there.

Focus on the women I am dating, that's the thing to do.

Second date with L

So I had a second little date with L yesterday, a long conversation over coffee. My impression is much like after our first date, which I described in my last post. I really enjoy talking with L, I like her, and I find her interesting. I feel attracted to her, but there's no sexual edge to it. This is a bit odd for me--I tend to view women as sexual beings, and imagine having sex with them. Even women I know this isn't going to happen with, like married co-workers. It may be that L doesn't wear revealing or form-fitting clothes, and isn't flirtatious. L has ended each date with a formal handshake. I thought, before our second date, that I might kiss her hand when she offered it, but when she did, I just didn't feel like it.

I'm keeping an open mind about this. Willing to go slowly. It might be healthier, instead of rushing into kissing and rounding the basepath and all that. I did have a big smile on my face after we shook hands and parted.

I do feel drawn to L, and want to go out of my way to make things easier for her. She wasn't sure at first about having time to get away for coffee yesterday, so I suggested we meet at the place most convenient for her. I drove 4-5 miles, and she walked a few blocks, and I was glad to do my part, so much more than hers. Now we won't see each other for nearly two weeks. I'm going out of town and then she is. I offered to pick her up at the airport when she gets back, and she's considering it.

We have a sort-of plan for another date, a trip to a science museum for a particular exhibit. Very brainy stuff. I think L may be the most intelligent woman I've ever dated. This isn't the sort of date I've often suggested to any woman, but hey, I was actually interested in the exhibit before she brought it up. It seems we are pretty well matched in interests.

Life is good.

Two dates today

Well, things have been percolating along. The bad news is that none of the young women I wrote about here (latter part) are interested in me. My former teacher had the courtesy to let me know. The others just didn't return my calls. Ah, well, I found out, and I can move on. In hindsight, I think of them as a distraction.

The good news is that I've been meeting more women through eHarmony. I wrote about that in the same post, first part. The lunch date that I spoke of in the future tense back then was enjoyable, but we both felt that there wasn't a spark, and it was better to not date. Things were quiet over the holidays, but then there was something of a surge starting around New Years. I've had several interesting online interactions, and today I had two first dates.

I had lunch with L. I really enjoyed her company, and it was clear this was mutual. We had lots to talk about and laughed a lot, and tended to see things the same way. I can't say I'm feeling any sexual chemistry with her, but there's certainly some sort of chemistry between us, and I'm going to give us some time to see if a sexual interest develops. She's fun to be with, so "giving it time" will be quite pleasant, I think. And there were just two little instances of asymmetry today that felt oh, so right to me. L picked up the check, saying "Let me pay for this." I said, "Well, if you're sure..." and she was, so I let her take charge of it. And then I said I would pay the next time, "I want there to be a next time", and L quickly agreed that she did, too. It felt good letting her take the lead on this, doing it her way, but making my committment clear. And then when we parted I pointed out that I would wait for her to call, since she had my phone numbers but I didn't have hers. L made no offer to share a number. She asked if I was OK with not knowing hers, and I assured her I was quite comfortable with it. Thinking it over this evening, I find it interesting that she wouldn't share a number even though she's sure she wants to see me again. Apparently she likes this asymmetry. So, two little things, but both felt quite natural. Oh, and L is a successful career woman. Some bumps in the last few years, but clearly a woman of intellect, drive, and accomplishment. Of course, I find this appealing.

After this very long lunch I went home, walked my dog, and took a nap. I was surprised how long I slept, well over an hour. I guess I needed some down time between dates. This was less than ideal, meeting two women the same day. It's important to me to be present with a woman I'm dating, and give her my full attention. I think the nap helped with that.

Well, dinner was a different experience. I didn't feel much of a personal connection with my date, let along a sexual interest. At the end I asked if she was interested in meeting again, and she said she didn't know, she'd have to think about it. I said I felt the same way, I needed to at least sleep on it. So we parted cordially, but with no declarations of intent. And that felt just fine to me.

It was a good day. May the percolation continue...

My adaptable bed

I have a wood-frame bed, queen-sized. When my wife and I were dividing up the furniture during our divorce I made it a priority to get this bed. Because wood is so adaptable, and I had plans. I drilled holes and installed four large eye-bolts, one at each corner. I got wrist and ankle cuffs, chain and clasps. They're for bondage.

Been there, done that, want to do it again.

Back when I was in the local BDSM community, a Domme came over one day and we had an enjoyable time. Found out that my homemade bondage system was indeed easy to use and secure. After some naked boot worship, she had me kneel at the foot of the bed, facing it, and she fastnened my wrists to the eyebolts at the foot of the bed. This kept me in position while she flogged me. I could writhe, but there was no way I was going to get away until she released my cuffs. Then she had me lie on my back on the bed and she stretched me out to the four corners.

This is something I'd fantasized about for a long time--being exposed and vulnerable like that, and teased. I wanted to know what it would be like to have an orgasm while tied down spread-eagled. My natural reaction (every man's?) when I have an orgasm is to bring my legs together. What would it be like if I couldn't, I wondered. I was curious what it would feel like in my muscles, too. My orgasm isn't just a genital experience--my large muscles contract strongly. What if they were constrained? I imagined the orgasm would be more intense. I wanted to find out.

So I was very pleased when the Domme got me spread-eagled on my bed, on my back. She did tease me, and lightly tortured my nipples, cock, and balls. We both got very turned on, and my helplessness was definitely fueling our arousal. I thought that my fantasy was about to come true.

But after a while the Domme told me she was worn out. She was short on sleep and fighting a cold, and had been burning the candle at both ends, so to speak, dripping hot wax on me and who knows how many other subs that weekend. She just didn't have the energy for any more play. She was apologetic. I was understanding. She released me, and had me masturbate for her. This was pleasurable, of course. But in a sense I was left high and dry, my fantasy of the restrained orgasm unfulfilled.

We parted with a hug and a kiss. I thought we'd had a good start with bondage, and looked forward to getting together with her again. And we did, once, in another setting. But then she moved off in a different direction in her life, and I haven't seen her since.

Today I removed the eyebolts from my bed. It's a matter of focus and sequence. I still want very much to be spread-eagled and teased, but before that I want to get into bed for some more conventional lovemaking. And while the eyebolts were well-hidden when the bed is made, just turning the covers back exposes at least one of them. I don't want a woman to discover the eyebolts just as we're getting naked for the first time. I expect they'd be off-putting. This is my fantasy, probably not hers, and I don't want to lead with my fantasies. At any point in a relationship. A basic premise of a Female-Led Relationship is that we do things her way, when she wants to.

If and when I get into such a relationship and she decides she wants to chain me down to the bed, it won't take long to re-install the eyebolts. Wood is adaptable, after all. And I want to be adaptable, too.

More clarity, darn it

I found out today that my former teacher is not interested in dating me. Nuts. I knew I was going on speculation, and it seemed unlikely, but I was disappointed anyway. Getting the news brought me down for several hours.

I am glad that I acted on my hope, and followed through on the declaration I made in my last post. At least now I know we won't be dating, so I can move on.

A slow start to the new year

I had an open house for my massage business on New Years Day. It went fairly well from a business standpoint. About 30 people stopped by, all friends and acquaintances. I think a few of them may well become clients, and the rest have at least some potential to refer clients to me, so it was good that they got to see my office, and get a brief chair massage. They'll be more credible referrers for having done this.

However, I was expecting several women from school--potential dates--to stop by, and none of them did. I wrote about them here, last half of the long post. So, I didn't flirt with anyone, and I made no progress on finding out if I'll actually be able to date any of these women. So the next step is clear--it's up to me to ask them out, and see they respond. That age-old male duty, stepping out on a limb in the quest for nookie. I'm going to start with my former teacher. Declaration: I will call her on Tuesday.

Empathy and lust

So a neighbor came over yesterday, the one who left her husband last year and moved nearby with three youngish children, and she wanted to talk about difficulties she's having, goodness knows there's plenty to struggle with during a contested divorce, and we talked for a while and I tried to be a good neighboor, maybe a friend, and I decided to abandon neutrality, heck, I never even met her husband, it's not like I need to stay on his good side, so I told her I wanted to support her however I could and as she smiled and thanked me I thought yes, and I also want to lick your ass, to probe softly at your puckered anus with my tongue and offer you my adoration.

I was surpised at how this graphic, lustful image sprung to mind so suddenly. Well, maybe I shouldn't have been. I'd noticed her body many times, she's quite attractive, and has a very nice ass. My conscious mind has said no, it makes no sense to get involved. She's still married, it seems her life is absorbed with her kids, and besides, I don't think our personalities are a good fit. But my subconsicous desire lept quickly to the fore.

I do hope to get into a relationship where I can support my woman in all sorts of ways--by listening empathetically and licking in adoration, and filling every role she conjures up for me.

Touched by an Alpha Female

I had an encounter with an Alpha Female a few months ago. I offered myself to her service, and she took me up on it. Once.

Last summer a friend told me that a friend of hers was going to start working where I do. I called S (the new employee) on her first day and left her a message, offering to buy her a cup of coffee and do what I could to help her get oriented. S didn't call back, but the next week she did stop by my cube to introduce herself. I was smitten. S is tall, 40ish, moves and speaks with a lot of confidence, and has a very direct manner. She told me a little about her work--she worked in another area, obviously at a higher level, as she dealt directly with senior management. She was brought in to make some changes in an important area. I repeated my offer of coffee and help getting oriented, but I could tell that S wasn't going to need any advice from me. This woman could navigate for herself, and she had hit the ground running. I would really liked to have dated S (and submitted to her), but she seemed out of my league, and not interested, anyway. I let it go, wistfully.

Then last fall my friend called me again, to tell me that S wanted to talk with me about something going on at the company. I e-mailed S, suggesting coffee the next day. She responded by putting a "meeting" for coffee on my calendar, a week away. That woman was busy, doing her transformational work, but she wanted to talk to me. I was impressed, and curious.

When we got together S talked about the reorganization project the company had just launched. It had been announced the week before, they were looking to consolidate things on a large scale. This could conceivably lead to the elimination of my job. I wasn't too worried, although I realize it could possibly happen. But S, who is privy to information at a higher level, wanted to help me out, give me some advice about how to survive these changes. I was touched. I also strained to understand, as she advised me to consider what a division a thousand miles away did, in relation to my local group. When she used the word "triangulate" I realized I was lost. But I listened attentively and thanked S for her concern and her advice. It was clear to me that S was an Alpha Female--decisive, successful, and sure of herself. She was leagues ahead of me in her career, and in how she viewed the world.

When S was done sharing her perspective, I told her I would like to do something for her, in return for the help she had just given me. I asked if there was any way I could help her, perhaps with something around her house. S hesitated just a moment, then said yes, there was something. She hadn't gotten around to raking the leaves out from under her shrubs, and it was weighing on her. She was going on vacation soon, and didn't know how she was going to get it done. I quickly agreed to do it. S reached out, touched my arm and thanked me. We settled on the details, and then our little talk was over.

I went over to S's house while she was on vacation, and spend about an hour-and-a-half raking her leaves. I made a serious effort to do a good job for S. And I checked out her house, just from the outside. It was much nicer than mine. I fantasized about becoming a servant for S, and doing chores inside. I smiled a lot. I knew it was unlikely that this was going anywhere, but I was serving an Alpha Female, and I was happy. I raked so intently I blistered my hands, and then I raked some more.

A few days later I ran into S in the hallway. She was back from vacation. She thanked me for my work, seemed genuinely pleased. And warm and direct--that woman has charm. I told S how glad I was to be able to help her.

I didn't want that to be the end. I thought about asking S out to dinner, but decided to pursue the choreboy role instead. The next week I stopped by her office, repeated that I enjoyed raking her leaves, and asked if there was anything else I could do for her. For once, S seemed uncomfortable. "I'll let you know if anything comes up", looking away. I realized she didn't want to puruse this, so I excused myself. And I've left her alone since.

It's not like I lost out on something. S didn't want to have coffee with me last summer, so it seemed clear I wasn't going to be able to date her. I had hopes for a while that raking her leaves might lead to something else, but it didn't. That's OK. I feel fortunate to have been touched by this Alpha Female, even briefly. And I'm glad I had a chance to serve her one afternoon, to take care of something that had been weighing on her.

My best wishes to you, S, in all aspects of your life.

Old women, young women, and my doubts

I've been getting acquainted with a stream of women, and trying to imagine them as lovers. I tend to be uninterested in women near my age, which is 57. (Gasp! So old! I have held back from this particular bit of self-revelation. Thinking, perhaps, that I might meet a dominant woman through this blog, and I might be more interesting if she didn't know how old I am. Not that I would lie, but I have been concealing. But no more. This blog is primarily a way for me to process and sort out what's going on in my life. The remote prospect of meeting a compatible woman through it has been getting in the way of the primary purpose. So, here I am, revealing myself. It's good.)

I've been meeting women about my age, online and in real life, through eHarmony. It's a dating service that prides itself on finding people who are "compatible", based on an extensive personality survey you have to take in order to get listed. I tried to answer the questions honestly, so as to give the system a chance to regognize me as a natural follower, and match me up with as many Alpha Females as possible. It hasn't worked very well. I've corresponded with several dozen women, and met three in real life. And felt no sexual spark at all with any of them. Oh, they're interesting, good people. But even with compatibility assumed, that's not enough reason to date them. The first woman, we decided at the end of a coffee date that we weren't going to date, but might be friends. The second, I called it off after the coffee date. (Chicken, I could have done it during.) The third, I'm seeing tomorrow for a second date. Going to hear some Elizabethan Christmas music. I expect I'll have a good time, but if I don't feel some sexual chemistry with her, I'm going to call this one off, too. I'm having lunch with a fourth next week, but not expecting much, based on our phone conversations.

It's not that I'm never attracted to a woman in her 50's, but I certainly haven't felt it with anyone from eHarmony so far. Am I being unrealistic, expecting a sexual vibe early on with a woman in her 50's? I don't know.

Then there are women I've met at massage school. They tend to be in their 20's and 30's, although some are older, and even a few my age or more. I wouldn't think there was a chance for a relationship with one of these younger women. But I keep getting little clues that maybe there is:

I sent out e-mail invitations to my New Years open house at my new office. A 30-something student replied, saying she hopes to be able to stop by. She complimented me on my website (promoting my massage business--not this one!), and closed with her phone number. Sounds like she wants to stay in touch beyond school, no?

There's a younger woman, perhaps 25, who I got to know just a little at the tail end of school. She confided in me about her doubts about her boyfriend. I offered my perspective (wisdom?), and it seemed to resonate with her. Anyway, she told me she was coming to the open house, and then at graduation she sought me out, gave me a big hug, and told me how glad she was she had gotten to know me! I replied that it didn't have to end with graduation--felt good for avoiding getting tongue-tied. And that night I fantasized about licking her fine ass. That hug did make an impression!

And then there's my former teacher (third paragraph of this post). She's about 30, and is definitely interested in staying in touch.

It's entirely possible that all three of these young women have a professional interest in me, rather than a personal one. Most graduating students get jobs, rather than start businesses. So I stand out that way. Maybe they're coming to the open house just to get a feel for what it's like, starting a private practice. Maybe they're just a distraction, taking me away from women who would be more suitable as dominating partners. I really don't know.

So things are in flux, there are lots of opportunities. I'm not sure just what they're opportunities for, but I'm OK with that. I'm trying to stay open to possibilites, without pusing too hard.

Back on track

I don't handle disappointment very well. My last post described how E's polite but firm refusal to date me brought me down. I was clinging to the hope of a particular outcome with E, and I suffered when I didn't get it. Ah, but I cannot find happiness in an imagined future. I can only be happy in present reality. I know this, but I don't always live it.

I am pleased to report that I have recovered my usual optimistic, joyful mode of living. And I did it by expressing my submissive nature.

I went furniture shopping today with the woman I'll be sharing a massage room with. We had talked about what we needed to furnish the room. I had offered up my massage table, and a stool, chair, and bookcase. This wasn't really an act of generosity, as I wanted to get them out of my house, anyway. We also needed a wardrobe, some lights, a space heater, and a few small things. Today we went to a furniture store to find a wardrobe, the largest piece we needed. I brought up how to pay for things. I'm aware that A has limited financial resources compared to me. So I offered to buy the wardrobe. I asked A if she would be able to get some of the smaller things, and she said she would. So I wasn't carrying the whole load, but clearly more than half. A was pleased and grateful. I told her that I was glad to help her get started in her practice.

I wasn't flirting, or trying to get on A's good side so I could get somewhere with her. I don't feel any sexual energy between us, and I think there's zero chance of us having a relationship, femdom or not. But my desire to help A was clearly gender-based.

Paying for the wardrobe felt very right. And A's ready acceptance of this difference in our roles lifted my spirits. I enjoy serving women, and hope to find a woman to serve in the context of an intimate relationship. But even without the relationship, it was wonderful to have this opportunity to put a woman's needs ahead of mine.

Feeling down

I talked with E by phone today. (My last entry about E is here, and it has links to earlier ones.) She sounded upbeat, and thanked me for help with her assignment. I asked her out. She thanked me, but then said, in a friendly tone, "You've got to stop asking me out." She explained that she just likes to hang out at home on the weekend. She's so busy, working full-time and going to school, too, I can understand. I think she just doesn't want to add dating into her busy life. Goodness knows, I've felt that way sometimes while going to school.

I don't like it, though. The thought of all this flirting not leading to anything is depressing me.

Oh, it was a pleasant call. We had our usual animated conversation, with a little teasing. E assured me she's open to lunch, and I said we'd do that in the new year. I'm going to give it a rest for a while. Reluctantly.

Then tonight I had a first date with a woman I met at an online dating service. I like her, but I'm not feeling any sexual attraction. I'm going to give us another chance--I don't want to rush to the conclusion that there will never be sparks--but I'm not hopeful.

And there's my teacher, now my ex-teacher, fortunately. She wants to stay in touch, that's clear. I expect to ask her out, but not until after my open house, and that's tentatively set for New Years Day. Nearly three weeks away.

Not much cooking, and I'm feeling down. It will pass, I'm sure, but it's where I am right now.

My sexy auditor

I work in IT for a large corporation. We've got internal auditors, whose job it is to check up on how we're doing things. What steps we're taking to secure our data, in particular. When an auditor wants to know something, or to see evidence that we're really following the procedure manual, we're to cooperate fully. That's a standing order from management. Auditors write up their findings, and they get visibility up through several layers of management. If they want something changed, it's likely to become a high-priority task for me. If they find much to ding me for, it's likely to show up in my performance review. These people have a lot of power.

I had my work audited last month by a very sexy auditor. M is just a few years out of college, has a petite figure with nice curves, and she likes to dress sexy. Soft, tight sweater with a plunging neckline, revealing the roundness of her firm breasts just occasionally. Tight skirt, definitely above the knee. Little strappy heels in summer, showing off her nicely pedicured toenails. And at her recent visit, tall black boots. Mmmm-hmmm, this woman has certainly got my attention, and not just because my manager says to give her what she wants.

I've fantasized about offering myself up to M as her footslave, but that desire is best left unspoken, I think. It could put her in an awkward position, having a social relationship with someone whose work she was reviewing. (Does footslave count as a social relationship? Maybe we'd have an out...)

Three times in a week M came to my cube. I greeted her warmly and solicitously fetched her a chair. She asked her questions, and I found the answers online, saving them off to a file for her. Our conversation was polite and professional, but my eyes were roaming some, and my brain, too.

I wonder if M has any idea of the effect she has on me, or men in general. I wanted to satisfy M's every desire, and I chanelled that into our working relationship. After I knew what she was looking for, I worked ahead before her final visit, so she wouldn't have to sit while I poked around on the system. I wanted to do what I could to make her job easier, even though it meant I would have less time with her.

M's findings were pretty favorable. A few things to clean up, but overall a positive report. I'm not waiting for my manager to tell me the cleanup is high priority, I'm doing it for M. I want her to be seen as effective in her job--she writes something up, and it gets resolved.

I think M is just one example, out of millions, of the power women are acquiring in the workplace. And without sacrificing her femininty, and all the power that it carries.

I hope M comes back soon, with more probing questions. I'm glad to jump for her.

subboy speaks: "I enjoy serving women."

Twelve people were listening intently when I spoke those words. The setting was the final meeting of my business class at massage school. We each did a presentation of our business plan. I volunteered to go first. I had decided I was going to be this direct, I felt good about it, and I wanted to get those words out in public. I got to the part about my target markets. The first was professional women. Professional, because they are more able to afford massage, and women for two reasons. First, women are more open to massage and second, "I enjoy serving women. I have a stronger emotional reaction, I get more fulfillment when I give a woman a massage." I was only slightly nervous. I looked around the circle, spoke very directly to my classmates and the teacher. It felt very good.

This is quite a change in two weeks, from the time I only wished I'd spoken these words. I am becoming more comfortable with my submissiveness, and more confident about it. And I believe that as I reveal myself to the universe, the universe will respond.

And perhaps it already is. The teacher of this class is an attractive woman. She's confident and accomplished, and told us many stories about starting her own successful private practice. Quite the role model for us. And I really enjoyed paying attention to her, because she also has the body type that I find most attractive--tall and curvy. Anyway, before class she was telling me how excited (!) she is for me and woman I'll be sharing space with. I think we remind her of herself, years ago. Then after class she asked if I was going to invite her to our open house. I had idly thought it might be a good idea to have one, and now it became obvious. So I confered with my partner, and we quickly decided to have one, and invited the teacher. I just love how forward the teacher was about this, asking to be invited. I'm attracted to decisive, assertive women, and here was one asserting that she wanted to socialize with me. This is cool, very cool.

And I repeat that writing this blog has been very helpful. The practice keeps submission in my mind. And what is in the mind can become reality.

Planting seeds with E

I had a most enjoyable lunch with E today. (My history with E, such as it is, is presented here, and my intention about today’s conversation here.)

We met at a buffet place and talked so much it took us nearly two hours to have lunch. Two delightful hours. We talked about school, mostly. E is a student at the same massage school that I’m about to graduate from. She’s got a ways to go, and was interested in my experience with the parts she hasn’t gotten to yet.

Instead of asking if I could date her, I asked her out for a specific event this weekend. Phrased it as, “I’m thinking of going and I don’t want to go alone, would you like to go with me?” I thought this was a little less forward, and would give her the opportunity to think of it as a friendly thing to do, rather than a date laden with sexual overtones. She said she was interested, but would have to think about it.

Half an hour later she told me she was going to decline my offer, explaining she was going to be busy writing a paper for school. She had already talked about this particular assignment, and how she was feeling under the gun. So it made sense. And E thanked me for my offer, rather than saying no, she wasn’t interested in dating. Then our conversation flowed something like this:

sb: Well is there something I could do for you, to free up your time, so you can just concentrate on the paper? (I didn’t present this as “so you can get it done and go out with me, too.” It was just an offer to help her.)

E: I don’t think so. I mean, I’ll be going to the gym, you can’t do that for me. And I’ll be doing laundry, you can’t do that for me.

sb: Yes, I could do your laundry.

E: Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that.

sb: It’s a serious offer, E. Or if there’s something I could do around your house, some project, or run some errands, or clean your gutters…

E: Be careful, you might regret this. (Laughs.)

sb: I’d like to find out. (grins)

I told E how seeing her was the highlight of my day, and my week, and how she contributed so much to my life, I just wanted to do something nice for her in return. I repeated my offer, extending the timeline beyond this weekend. It was all true, all heartfelt. E thanked me, and said I was very sweet.

I offered to send E my paper from that same assignment, and she seemed genuinely pleased. Not that she’ll copy it, but just having an example could help her get unstuck.

E let me pay for lunch, which pleased me. And when the cashier wished us a good day, I said, “Any day I get to see E is a good day.”

So, no date, but I am feeling very hopeful. The door seems slightly open, and not just to the possibility of a date. I made an offer of service, and E found that touching.

All these hours later, I’m still glowing.

My unused calling card

I'm trying to be open to the possibility that I might meet the woman who will become my dominating life partner in an unexpected way, just in the course of day-to-day life. Perhaps a woman I see on the street will catch my eye, and I will be able to catch hers. I do enjoy watching women walk, particularly women who stride with confidence, comfortable in their bodies and aware of their attractiveness. Add some flattering clothes, perhaps some serious boots, and I can be instantly smitten.

Several times I have caught the eye of such a woman as she walked by and shared my reaction with her. A smile and a nod, perhaps a hand to my chest, acknowledging that my heart had skipped a beat. She smiled at my reaction and walked on.

I want to be bold enough to speak to her, to tell her that she is gorgeous, and to thank her for brightening my day with her presence. I want to ask her if I could return the favor by doing something for her, to make her day a bit easier, or more fun. Could I carry a package, run an errand, get her a cab? I want to make an open-ended offer to her--doesn't have to be something right now. If she thinks of something days later, she could call me. So I carry with me some calling cards that I had made up.

Service with a Smile
My full name
My cell phone number

There's a picture of a cup of coffee, a symbol of hospitality and service.

I've carried these cards for over a year. I haven't given one out yet. I'm shy, and this does seem very forward. I worry that it might seem too weird, or threatening. I don't want to cause any woman discomfort.

I'm not even sure that giving the card is a good idea. If I can't engage in the conversation, and get her interest that way, the card would be pointless. So first, I have to take the step of speaking up, of telling a woman how impressed I am. Not just with a smile and a gesture, but with words. It's great to notice confident and attractive women on the street, but I want more. And the next step is up to me.

I can do this.

On being seen and known

Here at the tail end of massage school I'm taking a class where they have us prepare business plans and marketing materials, and this week we had show and tell with mock-ups of business cards. Mine was pretty close to what it's actually going to be, with my sub-tenancy address on it. I like it pretty well. Heck, I enjoy just looking at it, I can be that self-absorbed. But I was wondering if anyone else would like it. It's not at all dramatic visually, like some other people's. Lots of black text on a white background, just one small graphic and not much color. But there's a woman in class who seems quite intuitive, and her immediate reaction was, "I like it. It's so you!" And I felt that she knew me and understood me, and it felt very good.

This desire to be known and understood runs deep in me. And being seen is a close corollary.

I am an exhibitionist. Years past, I sometimes practiced this in inappropriate ways. More recently, I've found acceptable outlets. In the BDSM community, I enjoyed being dominated while nude at parties. I got to display my body to the crowd, and my submissiveness, too. And now I occasionally work as a nude model for art classes and coops. This isn't so over-the-top as getting flogged while naked in a room full of people, but it does feed my spirit. I really enjoy being nude and having a roomful of people looking at me. Looking quite intently, in the case of artists. As the model, I am objectified, and I like that. This wouldn't do anything for me if the artists were all men, but that's never been the case. The classes are usually about evenly divided, or have more women. And I particularly enjoy it that I am nude and the women are clothed. This carries a distinction in status, even though it's not overly femdom.

I intend to carry my longing into a femdom relationship. A woman who really knows me will be able to use that knowledge to push my buttons, and train me to serve her. To our mutual delight.