So, no response to my ad on craigslist, nada, zilch. And at this point it seems unlikely, as I've been pushed off the first page by the swarm of newer ads, ads from men looking to meet women for
discreet fun,
sex in public,
making videos,
stimulating chat,
filling their honey pot,
clever conversation,
long slow foreplay,
oral or just a quickie,
rimming,
talking dirty,
casual fun,
erotic massage,
getting peed on,
wrestling,
a threesome,
getting naked on cam,
toys,
snuggling,
getting squirted on,
an evening of pleasure,
the best sex you can get on a Tuesday night (yes, written on Wednesday. Anyone interested in some day-old sex?),
fun,
walking in the woods,
ruthless fucking,
a lunchtime fuck buddy,
oral satisfaction,
some action,
a Goddess to worship,
making out in public,
some adventure,
following orders,
a bondage partner,
no-strings booty,
good clean fun,
spanking,
face-sitting,
ass play,
panties,
frisky activity,
taco of the pink variety,
hungry kisses,
multiple O's,
at least 2 orgasms by mouth,
satisfying priordial urges,
taking their mind off their life,
phone sex,
flirting,
and even friendship.
It's exhausting, just reading them, just looking at them, just thinking about all that testosterone. What sort of impression does this make on women, and how many women even bother to look? Let alone reply. In yesterday's ads in my locality, men out-numbered women by more than 50:1, I kid you not. I wonder what sort of response those few women get. Probably something like the list above, replete with cheesy promises, bad spelling, and cock shots. Such is the company I keep. Oh, what was I thinking? And did my earnest, carefully-crafted ad come off as pathetic, or just silly? Maybe it's best that no one replied.
This disparity in the number of ads does illustrate the point that men want women far more than women want men. And this difference is what makes femdom possible. As one Domme put it, "He needs everything I have, but he doesn't have anything I want." Best start jumping through hoops, boy, if you hope to get any.
And the disparity in numbers exists within the kink community, too. It's generally acknowledged that there are far more submissive men than dominant women. Many submissive men are submissive in inclination only, and never find a partner to try things out with. And some never even give voice to their desire. I do feel fortunate that in my time in the local BDSM community I found a number of compatible women to play with. I eventually came to think of myself as a successful sub, just for being able to connect. I think I was successful because I took the time to get to know people, was respectful, and above all, avoided getting pushy. These are qualities that I can practice in person, far better than I can on the internet, among the swarm.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Off in a different direction...
I had a pleasant lunch with C today and about 10 minutes into the conversation she used the phrase "my fiance" and I realized that lunch was just a friendly thing to do with a co-worker and all those smiles I took for flirting were just C being friendly. She doesn't wear a ring. I decided to not reveal that I had been hoping to date her, I just didn't want to muddy the water. Lunch was pleasant, nonetheless, and possibly even profitable. C knew about massage school, and wanted to know about my plans after graduation. She even wanted my card, which I don't have yet, to give out to her friends. She told me she thought I'd do well as a massage therapist because I'm friendly and open. Cool.
So, what next? E has not called, and even if she does it will probably be as a friend. (Read about E here.) I've been exchanging e-mail with some women through an online dating service, but it's slow going. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of even a coffee date with any of them. So I decided to go off in a different direction, and pursue a fantasy that has recently been occupying a significant part of my consciousness.
I posted an ad on craigslist, offering no-strings oral sex, no reciprocation required.
So, what next? E has not called, and even if she does it will probably be as a friend. (Read about E here.) I've been exchanging e-mail with some women through an online dating service, but it's slow going. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of even a coffee date with any of them. So I decided to go off in a different direction, and pursue a fantasy that has recently been occupying a significant part of my consciousness.
I posted an ad on craigslist, offering no-strings oral sex, no reciprocation required.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I asked C out to lunch...
…and she said yes! She smiled nicely, seemed genuinely pleased. My Tension in Throat index was only 5 on a scale of 10. Tight, but not croaking. I was proud of myself.
C and I work for the same large corporation. I’ve been slightly aware of her since she started last year. We’d occasionally both be at one of those 15-person meetings that mostly wastes people’s time, but it’s not like we really worked on anything together or got acquainted. A few months ago I was moved to a cube on C’s floor. Not in sight of her, but I see her in passing more often. And I realized 1) she is a fine-looking woman, and 2) she often gave me a very nice smile. OK, I’m not a very natural flirt, but it did eventually occur to me that she might be flirting with me, and might welcome an overture. Then I went through a period of wondering if I had any chance, because she appears to be, I’m not kidding, about 20 years younger than me. I recently got past that, and decided that yes, I was going to ask C out. As reported here.
I stalked C just a bit, going out of my way to go down the aisle nearest her cube several times a day. She usually wasn’t there. This afternoon she was, and the adjacent cubes were all empty. The best moment imaginable, the closest I was going to get to privacy. I walked right up, and with no small talk at all I popped the question. C said yes, she’d like to. And soon we had a plan, for tomorrow! Just lunch in the company cafeteria, but it might be a start. I think by tomorrow afternoon I’ll have a good idea if my next step is going to be to get closer to C, or go off in a different direction. And taking steps is a good thing to do.
Writing this blog is making me bolder. I declared my intention to ask C out, and that made it easier to do. I’ve declared my intention to find a femdom relationship, and that makes it more likely.
C and I work for the same large corporation. I’ve been slightly aware of her since she started last year. We’d occasionally both be at one of those 15-person meetings that mostly wastes people’s time, but it’s not like we really worked on anything together or got acquainted. A few months ago I was moved to a cube on C’s floor. Not in sight of her, but I see her in passing more often. And I realized 1) she is a fine-looking woman, and 2) she often gave me a very nice smile. OK, I’m not a very natural flirt, but it did eventually occur to me that she might be flirting with me, and might welcome an overture. Then I went through a period of wondering if I had any chance, because she appears to be, I’m not kidding, about 20 years younger than me. I recently got past that, and decided that yes, I was going to ask C out. As reported here.
I stalked C just a bit, going out of my way to go down the aisle nearest her cube several times a day. She usually wasn’t there. This afternoon she was, and the adjacent cubes were all empty. The best moment imaginable, the closest I was going to get to privacy. I walked right up, and with no small talk at all I popped the question. C said yes, she’d like to. And soon we had a plan, for tomorrow! Just lunch in the company cafeteria, but it might be a start. I think by tomorrow afternoon I’ll have a good idea if my next step is going to be to get closer to C, or go off in a different direction. And taking steps is a good thing to do.
Writing this blog is making me bolder. I declared my intention to ask C out, and that made it easier to do. I’ve declared my intention to find a femdom relationship, and that makes it more likely.
Monday, November 27, 2006
I become a sub-tenant
I’m about to graduate from massage school, and I’ve leased office space to set up a private practice. Sub-leased, actually. From a confident, assertive, sexy woman. D works in a related field. But her line of work carries more responsibility, authority, and status than mine, and I’m sure she makes a good deal more money than I will. She has a successful private practice that she recently moved to an office building near where I live. She leased more space than she needed, and had two spare rooms available. I’m sub-leasing one of the rooms, and will share it with another graduating student, who is also a woman. D tells me the other room is going to another woman practitioner in a related field, so I’ll be the only man in the office. Maybe I’ll find some menial work to do around the office, to support the women in their professional work.
D is about 40, trim and energetic. She’s not conventionally pretty, but she does have a very nice, shapely body, and she dresses somewhat provocatively. Her nipples push visibly against her sweater, and several times I’ve caught a glimpse of her tiny panties peeking out at the back of her low-rise slacks. Ooh, I can’t think of her only as a professional.
D has a boyfriend who seems eager to serve her. One day when I was over at her office she was having trouble with her computer. She called up her bf and described the problem. When he didn’t have an instant fix she got impatient and ended the call, saying don’t worry about it. But ten minutes later he showed up, to see what he could do in person. Was that sweet submission, or what?
It took about four in-person meetings to negotiate the sub-lease. Mid-process, I had a shift in attitude. I started out focusing on protecting my interests. I thought of particular clauses I wanted inserted into the sub-lease, and how to word them. This was slowing things down, and I could tell it was causing D some frustration. Then I realized that I really did want the space, even if everything wasn’t air-tight legally. And I was concerned if I insisted too much, D might find someone else to rent to. So I shifted my focus to getting the deal done. I went out of my way to make it easier for D—literally. Early on I’d asked her to mail me the next draft. She didn’t, and I ended up going to her office every time. Once she called 30 minutes before our appointment and said she was delayed, and she would call me when she was available. She called four hours later, and I left work right away to meet her. I agreed to language she preferred. I accepted her verbal assurances on some points, then signed the document acknowledging that I was not relying on any verbal assurances. I decided to trust that things were going to be all right. And I felt good about it.
There is a lot of asymmetry in being a sub-tenant:
I am bound (oh, delicious phrase!) by the terms of D’s lease with the building owner, even though I wasn’t able to negotiate any of it. It was a take-it-or-leave it deal. I took it, smiling and saying “thank you.” D gave me a copy of the lease. There were heavy black lines obscuring the parts that specified her rent. This is fair. I don’t need to know that detail of her arrangement. I am sure she is marking up the space I’m sub-leasing, on a per-square-foot basis. She knows how much, and I don’t, and that’s just the way it is. She had the initiative, the capital, and the successful practice to support this move, and I am dependent on her. And I appreciate her leadership, real-estate-wise.
I’m not allowed to talk to the building management. If I have any concerns about the space, I have to talk to D, who will talk to them.
As tenant, D gets a sign on the door, gratis. I can get a sign, but I have to pay for it. So I asked D to order a sign for me, promising to repay her. She graciously agreed. I don’t even know what it’s going to cost me. But I didn’t want to trouble D to have to ask the cost, report back to me, and then order the sign. She is a busy woman, with many clients. This sub-male sub-tenant would rather conduct business in the dark than ask D to do something extra.
While negotiating, D asked if I was OK with staying out of her treatment room, describing it as “sacred space”. I agreed. Then she asked if it would to be OK for her to come into my room. It has the only sink in the suite, and she might need to use it. Not while I have a client, certainly, but perhaps at other times. I agreed. No matter how infrequently she uses that sink, the distinction has been drawn. She has sacred space, not to be defiled by me. I have the plumbing, and no privacy.
As we were wrapping up negotiations, D remarked, “You’re going to be my sub-tenant. That sounds so…” Her voice trailed off.
“Feudal?”, I suggested.
D smiled, and so did I.
D is about 40, trim and energetic. She’s not conventionally pretty, but she does have a very nice, shapely body, and she dresses somewhat provocatively. Her nipples push visibly against her sweater, and several times I’ve caught a glimpse of her tiny panties peeking out at the back of her low-rise slacks. Ooh, I can’t think of her only as a professional.
D has a boyfriend who seems eager to serve her. One day when I was over at her office she was having trouble with her computer. She called up her bf and described the problem. When he didn’t have an instant fix she got impatient and ended the call, saying don’t worry about it. But ten minutes later he showed up, to see what he could do in person. Was that sweet submission, or what?
It took about four in-person meetings to negotiate the sub-lease. Mid-process, I had a shift in attitude. I started out focusing on protecting my interests. I thought of particular clauses I wanted inserted into the sub-lease, and how to word them. This was slowing things down, and I could tell it was causing D some frustration. Then I realized that I really did want the space, even if everything wasn’t air-tight legally. And I was concerned if I insisted too much, D might find someone else to rent to. So I shifted my focus to getting the deal done. I went out of my way to make it easier for D—literally. Early on I’d asked her to mail me the next draft. She didn’t, and I ended up going to her office every time. Once she called 30 minutes before our appointment and said she was delayed, and she would call me when she was available. She called four hours later, and I left work right away to meet her. I agreed to language she preferred. I accepted her verbal assurances on some points, then signed the document acknowledging that I was not relying on any verbal assurances. I decided to trust that things were going to be all right. And I felt good about it.
There is a lot of asymmetry in being a sub-tenant:
I am bound (oh, delicious phrase!) by the terms of D’s lease with the building owner, even though I wasn’t able to negotiate any of it. It was a take-it-or-leave it deal. I took it, smiling and saying “thank you.” D gave me a copy of the lease. There were heavy black lines obscuring the parts that specified her rent. This is fair. I don’t need to know that detail of her arrangement. I am sure she is marking up the space I’m sub-leasing, on a per-square-foot basis. She knows how much, and I don’t, and that’s just the way it is. She had the initiative, the capital, and the successful practice to support this move, and I am dependent on her. And I appreciate her leadership, real-estate-wise.
I’m not allowed to talk to the building management. If I have any concerns about the space, I have to talk to D, who will talk to them.
As tenant, D gets a sign on the door, gratis. I can get a sign, but I have to pay for it. So I asked D to order a sign for me, promising to repay her. She graciously agreed. I don’t even know what it’s going to cost me. But I didn’t want to trouble D to have to ask the cost, report back to me, and then order the sign. She is a busy woman, with many clients. This sub-male sub-tenant would rather conduct business in the dark than ask D to do something extra.
While negotiating, D asked if I was OK with staying out of her treatment room, describing it as “sacred space”. I agreed. Then she asked if it would to be OK for her to come into my room. It has the only sink in the suite, and she might need to use it. Not while I have a client, certainly, but perhaps at other times. I agreed. No matter how infrequently she uses that sink, the distinction has been drawn. She has sacred space, not to be defiled by me. I have the plumbing, and no privacy.
As we were wrapping up negotiations, D remarked, “You’re going to be my sub-tenant. That sounds so…” Her voice trailed off.
“Feudal?”, I suggested.
D smiled, and so did I.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Speaking my truth? Not today
How sad. I had an opportunity today to reveal myself to a woman, just a little bit, as a submissive man. But I held back.
The back story: I'm studying to be a massage therapist. I really enjoy the work, for a lot of different reasons. It's a helping profession. It engages my body as well as my mind. It's sensuous. It can be meditative. I enjoy serving women, and most of my classmates and practice clients are women. And, something I don't say at school, I really enjoy touching naked (and near-naked) women. There's nothing sexual about it--I haven't once gotten aroused when giving a massage. But I really do enjoy it, and that's clearly driven by my submissive sexuality. I get to be in the servant role, working for her pleasure while she relaxes, with strict rules, ethical guidelines, and laws constraining my behavior.
Today I gave a fellow student a massage. She's 30-something, nice body, friendly, and she wanted work on her gluteal muscles. (Anatomy lesson: that's her ass.) She has a very nice ass, and she appreciated the rubbing, kneading, and pressing I did there. See why I like this work? Anyway, she was in a talkative mood, and at one point she asked if I preferred working on men or women. I dodged the question, just told her how I'd worked on far more women than men. Women are more open to getting massage than men, blah, blah, blah, change the subject.
Damn! I wish I'd told this simple truth:
"I prefer working on women. I enjoy serving women."
That's not kinky, it's not extreme, and I think it would have been an entirely appropriate answer. But I chickened out. Well, actually, I didn't make a decision to avoid saying these words. They didn't come to me. But I did get nervous about self-revelation, and I regret it.
Maybe tomorrow.
The back story: I'm studying to be a massage therapist. I really enjoy the work, for a lot of different reasons. It's a helping profession. It engages my body as well as my mind. It's sensuous. It can be meditative. I enjoy serving women, and most of my classmates and practice clients are women. And, something I don't say at school, I really enjoy touching naked (and near-naked) women. There's nothing sexual about it--I haven't once gotten aroused when giving a massage. But I really do enjoy it, and that's clearly driven by my submissive sexuality. I get to be in the servant role, working for her pleasure while she relaxes, with strict rules, ethical guidelines, and laws constraining my behavior.
Today I gave a fellow student a massage. She's 30-something, nice body, friendly, and she wanted work on her gluteal muscles. (Anatomy lesson: that's her ass.) She has a very nice ass, and she appreciated the rubbing, kneading, and pressing I did there. See why I like this work? Anyway, she was in a talkative mood, and at one point she asked if I preferred working on men or women. I dodged the question, just told her how I'd worked on far more women than men. Women are more open to getting massage than men, blah, blah, blah, change the subject.
Damn! I wish I'd told this simple truth:
"I prefer working on women. I enjoy serving women."
That's not kinky, it's not extreme, and I think it would have been an entirely appropriate answer. But I chickened out. Well, actually, I didn't make a decision to avoid saying these words. They didn't come to me. But I did get nervous about self-revelation, and I regret it.
Maybe tomorrow.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I've been flirting with E
There's this woman E I would really like to date. We did have lunch about a year ago, and had quite a lively conversation. We enjoy each other's company, and we tend to see things alike. But at the end of the lunch, just as we were parting, she told me she wasn't interested in dating. I was puzzled, because that lunch sure felt like a date. But she did say she was OK with having lunch occasionally. So we've done that, oh, maybe four lunches in a year. Keeping in touch, not much more than that.
I'm strongly attracted to E. Every time I see her I give her compliments on her appearance and her clothes. Genuine compliments, I really am taken with her. Every lunch I've asked her if she would like to date. The answer has always been "no", but delivered with a smile, like she's glad to know I want to.
I called E, oh, more than a month ago, and left a message suggesting lunch. She didn't return my call. But when I ran into her two weeks later she said she had been meaning to, and she wanted to have lunch, and she would call me. Hooray! But still no call. Then I ran into her again last week. She repeated that she wanted to have lunch, and said she'd call after Thanksgiving. I didn't dwell on her not calling. I was genuinely glad to see her and have a short conversation. We got caught up a little, and I told her how good she looked, and she smiled. As we parted she repeated that she would call me about lunch. As we walked away from each other I called out, "Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there." She laughed, and I enjoyed that.
So there's this dynamic where I'm putting myself out there, asking her about dating and giving her complements, over and over. She doesn't really respond, except to smile and laugh. And that's OK with me. Oh, sure, I'd rather she say yes, and really date me. But I'm glad to know that she enjoys my attention.
I don't know if there's any chance of a femdom relationship with E or not. It's not like I've got any direct evidence that there is. But we like each other, we share interests, and we enjoy each other's company, that's a great start. Oh, and I would be so motivated to please her, if she ever allowed me to get close. I'd like to give it a try. Even vanilla, I think it would be sweet.
Hello, E, are you listenting? Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I'm here for you if you want me...
I'm strongly attracted to E. Every time I see her I give her compliments on her appearance and her clothes. Genuine compliments, I really am taken with her. Every lunch I've asked her if she would like to date. The answer has always been "no", but delivered with a smile, like she's glad to know I want to.
I called E, oh, more than a month ago, and left a message suggesting lunch. She didn't return my call. But when I ran into her two weeks later she said she had been meaning to, and she wanted to have lunch, and she would call me. Hooray! But still no call. Then I ran into her again last week. She repeated that she wanted to have lunch, and said she'd call after Thanksgiving. I didn't dwell on her not calling. I was genuinely glad to see her and have a short conversation. We got caught up a little, and I told her how good she looked, and she smiled. As we parted she repeated that she would call me about lunch. As we walked away from each other I called out, "Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there." She laughed, and I enjoyed that.
So there's this dynamic where I'm putting myself out there, asking her about dating and giving her complements, over and over. She doesn't really respond, except to smile and laugh. And that's OK with me. Oh, sure, I'd rather she say yes, and really date me. But I'm glad to know that she enjoys my attention.
I don't know if there's any chance of a femdom relationship with E or not. It's not like I've got any direct evidence that there is. But we like each other, we share interests, and we enjoy each other's company, that's a great start. Oh, and I would be so motivated to please her, if she ever allowed me to get close. I'd like to give it a try. Even vanilla, I think it would be sweet.
Hello, E, are you listenting? Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I'm here for you if you want me...
Thursday, November 23, 2006
My last girlfriend, and my delusion
I thought my last relationship might develop into a femdom one. There certainly were some aspects that seemed to be working that way. In my mind, anyway.
K and I met through a mutual friend about a year ago. There was a pretty strong sexual chemistry between us. We flirted right away, then started dating. We enjoyed each other’s company in a lot of different ways—dinner, conversation, movies, nature walks. We fell quite naturally into the traditional courtship roles. I did almost all the driving and paid for nearly everything. And we both enjoyed it when I helped K with her coat and opened doors for her. This was quite a change for me. Most of the dating I’d done since my divorce (and even before my marriage) had been so consciously 50-50. With K I enjoyed the distinction in our roles.
And kissing, oh, did we enjoy kissing. Our early dates would end with some serious face time on her couch. I would press on, trying to put my hand here, or kiss her there, and she would set the limits. She clearly enjoyed my attention. I would tell her that I wanted more, but it was up to her just how far we went. If I was allowed to mouth her nipple though her bra, I would do so with gusto until she pushed me away. K got aroused, but she stayed in control. In control of herself, and in control of me. She did notice and approve of my erection, which I pressed against her through all our clothes. I enjoyed focusing on her pleasure, declaring and displaying my desire, and accepting her guidance.
It took us two months to get from first kiss to first nudity. Along the way I got to worship her feet. This started with a footrub, and then I kissed her toes. When she reacted well I licked and sucked her toes, and soon I was eagerly pressing my face into one sole and my still-clothed cock into the other. K described one particularly hot foot-worship session as, “the most fun I’ve ever had with my clothes on.” I beamed, so happy to have pleased her so well. And she was in no hurry to go any further, so we had more clothes-on fun the next time.
Eventually K decided to have sex with me. Our love-making included intercourse, and large doses of my tongue at her pussy, on her feet, and eventually up her anus. K never licked me any of these places. And K liked it that I shaved my genitals. She had a full bush. All this imbalance felt very right to me.
I also did some chores for K. I shoveled her walk several times, and picked her up from the airport. Nothing huge, but it was all one way. And when she thanked me, I always told her I was glad to help her.
This relationship was working very well for me as a submissive, even though we hadn’t talked about us in those terms.
Eventually we did. The impetus was K sharing some personal and potentially embarrassing information about herself. I was touched by her openness and trust, and I decided that I couldn’t continue being in stealth submission with her. Next date, I told her “how our relationship is working for me”. She listened and asked some questions, but it was clear she was taken aback by my confession. As my therapist later put it, she got weirded out.
We didn’t have sex that night. K wasn’t feeling well, so I took her home early. (She had told me she wasn’t feeling well before I unloaded on her. I regret that I didn’t choose the time more carefully. I was focusing on my desire to spill my gut, rather than her need to have a low-key, uneventful evening. I even told her I wanted to try bondage with her, and she just furrowed her brow.)
The next time I saw K she had more questions for me. In particular, would I be willing to see her therapist with her? (Yes, of course.) So I found out that I seemed unhealthy to her. She also told me she was going to have to think about whether she wanted to continue dating me, or not. And she refuted every single example of what I thought had been a D/s dynamic between us.
All my driving and paying and opening doors—that’s how it was with every man she dated. No 50-50 for her.
As for my oral attentions, she had no interest in sucking my toes or licking my ass, so that’s why it didn’t happen, and it didn’t mean anything beyond that. She might have gone down on me, but I’ve got genital herpes, and she was just being careful. She had made that limit clear before we got naked.
My shaving made it possible for me to improvise barriers for her protection during intercourse. I’d put large band-aids on the places near my penis where I sometimes get outbreaks. I’m not sure how effective this would have been if I had had an outbreak during our intimate times. But it was her protocol, so I complied and presented myself to her. But to K this was about herpes, not D/s.
And the chores? She appreciated my help, but there was no larger meaning for her.
The D/s aspects were entirely in my imagination. And once we talked about them, it ruined things for her. Next time I saw K, she broke up with me.
It ended badly. K was angry with me. She said it seemed like I was trying to break up with her, dumping all this stuff on her. And maybe I was. As I told my vanilla friends, I liked K and enjoyed her company and we had a lot of fun together, but I never felt like I was in love with her. So maybe I unconsciously pushed her, to either adopt my ways or be done. Maybe I knew that she’d never be the woman I really surrendered to, so I wanted to either get some more jollies (bondage), or cut my losses and move on.
I often doubt myself. And my relationship with K makes me wonder if I really do want to submit to a woman. But I’ve decided that the lessons are 1) K just wasn’t the right woman for me (and I certainly wasn’t the right man for her), 2) I need to be more careful about what I assume. More verbal would help, too. And 3) I need to be more considerate of the woman’s needs at all times, even when the conversation is about me.
I’m still trying, still learning, and still glad for the opportunity.
K and I met through a mutual friend about a year ago. There was a pretty strong sexual chemistry between us. We flirted right away, then started dating. We enjoyed each other’s company in a lot of different ways—dinner, conversation, movies, nature walks. We fell quite naturally into the traditional courtship roles. I did almost all the driving and paid for nearly everything. And we both enjoyed it when I helped K with her coat and opened doors for her. This was quite a change for me. Most of the dating I’d done since my divorce (and even before my marriage) had been so consciously 50-50. With K I enjoyed the distinction in our roles.
And kissing, oh, did we enjoy kissing. Our early dates would end with some serious face time on her couch. I would press on, trying to put my hand here, or kiss her there, and she would set the limits. She clearly enjoyed my attention. I would tell her that I wanted more, but it was up to her just how far we went. If I was allowed to mouth her nipple though her bra, I would do so with gusto until she pushed me away. K got aroused, but she stayed in control. In control of herself, and in control of me. She did notice and approve of my erection, which I pressed against her through all our clothes. I enjoyed focusing on her pleasure, declaring and displaying my desire, and accepting her guidance.
It took us two months to get from first kiss to first nudity. Along the way I got to worship her feet. This started with a footrub, and then I kissed her toes. When she reacted well I licked and sucked her toes, and soon I was eagerly pressing my face into one sole and my still-clothed cock into the other. K described one particularly hot foot-worship session as, “the most fun I’ve ever had with my clothes on.” I beamed, so happy to have pleased her so well. And she was in no hurry to go any further, so we had more clothes-on fun the next time.
Eventually K decided to have sex with me. Our love-making included intercourse, and large doses of my tongue at her pussy, on her feet, and eventually up her anus. K never licked me any of these places. And K liked it that I shaved my genitals. She had a full bush. All this imbalance felt very right to me.
I also did some chores for K. I shoveled her walk several times, and picked her up from the airport. Nothing huge, but it was all one way. And when she thanked me, I always told her I was glad to help her.
This relationship was working very well for me as a submissive, even though we hadn’t talked about us in those terms.
Eventually we did. The impetus was K sharing some personal and potentially embarrassing information about herself. I was touched by her openness and trust, and I decided that I couldn’t continue being in stealth submission with her. Next date, I told her “how our relationship is working for me”. She listened and asked some questions, but it was clear she was taken aback by my confession. As my therapist later put it, she got weirded out.
We didn’t have sex that night. K wasn’t feeling well, so I took her home early. (She had told me she wasn’t feeling well before I unloaded on her. I regret that I didn’t choose the time more carefully. I was focusing on my desire to spill my gut, rather than her need to have a low-key, uneventful evening. I even told her I wanted to try bondage with her, and she just furrowed her brow.)
The next time I saw K she had more questions for me. In particular, would I be willing to see her therapist with her? (Yes, of course.) So I found out that I seemed unhealthy to her. She also told me she was going to have to think about whether she wanted to continue dating me, or not. And she refuted every single example of what I thought had been a D/s dynamic between us.
All my driving and paying and opening doors—that’s how it was with every man she dated. No 50-50 for her.
As for my oral attentions, she had no interest in sucking my toes or licking my ass, so that’s why it didn’t happen, and it didn’t mean anything beyond that. She might have gone down on me, but I’ve got genital herpes, and she was just being careful. She had made that limit clear before we got naked.
My shaving made it possible for me to improvise barriers for her protection during intercourse. I’d put large band-aids on the places near my penis where I sometimes get outbreaks. I’m not sure how effective this would have been if I had had an outbreak during our intimate times. But it was her protocol, so I complied and presented myself to her. But to K this was about herpes, not D/s.
And the chores? She appreciated my help, but there was no larger meaning for her.
The D/s aspects were entirely in my imagination. And once we talked about them, it ruined things for her. Next time I saw K, she broke up with me.
It ended badly. K was angry with me. She said it seemed like I was trying to break up with her, dumping all this stuff on her. And maybe I was. As I told my vanilla friends, I liked K and enjoyed her company and we had a lot of fun together, but I never felt like I was in love with her. So maybe I unconsciously pushed her, to either adopt my ways or be done. Maybe I knew that she’d never be the woman I really surrendered to, so I wanted to either get some more jollies (bondage), or cut my losses and move on.
I often doubt myself. And my relationship with K makes me wonder if I really do want to submit to a woman. But I’ve decided that the lessons are 1) K just wasn’t the right woman for me (and I certainly wasn’t the right man for her), 2) I need to be more careful about what I assume. More verbal would help, too. And 3) I need to be more considerate of the woman’s needs at all times, even when the conversation is about me.
I’m still trying, still learning, and still glad for the opportunity.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Why a relationship?
I want to explain why I'm looking for a relationship, rather than just a woman to dominate me. I've had some very exciting and satisfying experiences being dominated by women. The local BDSM community was a wonderful place to meet women, get some mentoring, and play safely.
But I want more than play. I miss being in a loving relationship--the social aspects, the companionship, the intimate knowledge and acceptance of each other, and mutual devotion. I want to have that again. I think that my submission could really blossom in that environment. I particularly enjoy serving a woman who is appreciative of my efforts, and there would be loads of opportunity, I'm thinking.
Then there's the safety aspect. When I get into subspace I lose my good judgment, even my common sense. Several times during play scenes the Domme stopped the scene, saying I'd had enough. I hadn't safe-worded, or even called "yellow". I was always sad when the Domme stopped the scene. Later, I would realize that she had good reason--I was shaking, or my hands were getting cool from the bondage. She was watching out for my safety, even when I wasn't. I want to explore deeper submission, and to be safe I need to know that the woman I submit to really cares about me. And know she loves me, that would be even better. I've got control issues (why else would bondage be erotic?) and I'm sure it will be easier for me to cede control to a woman if I know she loves me.
I've thought about going back to the BDSM community. But at least for now I'm focusing on finding a woman to date, fall in love with, and submit to. I'm meeting women through an online dating site, I'm flirting with E, and I've decided that yes, I'm going to ask C out. I'm nervous about all this. Besides the familiar nervousness about asking for a date and getting shot down (a D/s interaction every man has experienced), I've got doubt about my ability to make this all work, to get to the land of thorns and honey. But I'm resolved to push forward, to put myself out there and see what unfolds.
I'll keep you posted.
But I want more than play. I miss being in a loving relationship--the social aspects, the companionship, the intimate knowledge and acceptance of each other, and mutual devotion. I want to have that again. I think that my submission could really blossom in that environment. I particularly enjoy serving a woman who is appreciative of my efforts, and there would be loads of opportunity, I'm thinking.
Then there's the safety aspect. When I get into subspace I lose my good judgment, even my common sense. Several times during play scenes the Domme stopped the scene, saying I'd had enough. I hadn't safe-worded, or even called "yellow". I was always sad when the Domme stopped the scene. Later, I would realize that she had good reason--I was shaking, or my hands were getting cool from the bondage. She was watching out for my safety, even when I wasn't. I want to explore deeper submission, and to be safe I need to know that the woman I submit to really cares about me. And know she loves me, that would be even better. I've got control issues (why else would bondage be erotic?) and I'm sure it will be easier for me to cede control to a woman if I know she loves me.
I've thought about going back to the BDSM community. But at least for now I'm focusing on finding a woman to date, fall in love with, and submit to. I'm meeting women through an online dating site, I'm flirting with E, and I've decided that yes, I'm going to ask C out. I'm nervous about all this. Besides the familiar nervousness about asking for a date and getting shot down (a D/s interaction every man has experienced), I've got doubt about my ability to make this all work, to get to the land of thorns and honey. But I'm resolved to push forward, to put myself out there and see what unfolds.
I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Hello, world
I've enjoyed blogs written by other submissive men, and now I'm moved to write. To introduce myself, or at least record my thoughts, if no one's reading.
I am a middle-aged submissive man, single, and wanting to find a woman to devote myself to. I've been aware that I am submissive since before puberty. I have acted on this some, both before and after my long vanilla marriage. I've been to Pro-Dommes and I sampled the local BDSM scene. I had trememdously exciting experiences. But nothing approaching a relationship. And I've realized that I want to be in a loving, intimate, femdom relationship. I want to meet a woman whose company I enjoy, who inspires my devotion, and who uses erotic domination to train me to serve her whims.
A big dream, perhaps. I'm going to write about my attempts, the efforts of one subboy wannabe.
I decided to leave the BDSM scene for two reasons. First, it seemed to be mostly about S/M, where my interest is more in D/s. Oh, I'm a masochist, and can get turned on by pain. But really, I'm a service sub, and that's not particularly the way my local community tilted. Second, the community was rather small. People seemed to be mostly coupled, and I doubted there was going to be much opportunity to meet a woman I really felt compatible with. Where we felt that spark, that lively interest that could make a night on the town a wonderful adventure, with or without kink.
I'm thinking it might be more fruitful to find a woman I feel the chemistry with, get into a relationship with her, and try to introduce femdom into it. As advised by Elise Sutton, for instance. Anyway, that's my current program. I'm planning to update with reports on my efforts, whatever success or failure I have. I do wanna be a subboy, claimed and collared.
I am a middle-aged submissive man, single, and wanting to find a woman to devote myself to. I've been aware that I am submissive since before puberty. I have acted on this some, both before and after my long vanilla marriage. I've been to Pro-Dommes and I sampled the local BDSM scene. I had trememdously exciting experiences. But nothing approaching a relationship. And I've realized that I want to be in a loving, intimate, femdom relationship. I want to meet a woman whose company I enjoy, who inspires my devotion, and who uses erotic domination to train me to serve her whims.
A big dream, perhaps. I'm going to write about my attempts, the efforts of one subboy wannabe.
I decided to leave the BDSM scene for two reasons. First, it seemed to be mostly about S/M, where my interest is more in D/s. Oh, I'm a masochist, and can get turned on by pain. But really, I'm a service sub, and that's not particularly the way my local community tilted. Second, the community was rather small. People seemed to be mostly coupled, and I doubted there was going to be much opportunity to meet a woman I really felt compatible with. Where we felt that spark, that lively interest that could make a night on the town a wonderful adventure, with or without kink.
I'm thinking it might be more fruitful to find a woman I feel the chemistry with, get into a relationship with her, and try to introduce femdom into it. As advised by Elise Sutton, for instance. Anyway, that's my current program. I'm planning to update with reports on my efforts, whatever success or failure I have. I do wanna be a subboy, claimed and collared.
subboy
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