So a neighbor came over yesterday, the one who left her husband last year and moved nearby with three youngish children, and she wanted to talk about difficulties she's having, goodness knows there's plenty to struggle with during a contested divorce, and we talked for a while and I tried to be a good neighboor, maybe a friend, and I decided to abandon neutrality, heck, I never even met her husband, it's not like I need to stay on his good side, so I told her I wanted to support her however I could and as she smiled and thanked me I thought yes, and I also want to lick your ass, to probe softly at your puckered anus with my tongue and offer you my adoration.
I was surpised at how this graphic, lustful image sprung to mind so suddenly. Well, maybe I shouldn't have been. I'd noticed her body many times, she's quite attractive, and has a very nice ass. My conscious mind has said no, it makes no sense to get involved. She's still married, it seems her life is absorbed with her kids, and besides, I don't think our personalities are a good fit. But my subconsicous desire lept quickly to the fore.
I do hope to get into a relationship where I can support my woman in all sorts of ways--by listening empathetically and licking in adoration, and filling every role she conjures up for me.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Touched by an Alpha Female
I had an encounter with an Alpha Female a few months ago. I offered myself to her service, and she took me up on it. Once.
Last summer a friend told me that a friend of hers was going to start working where I do. I called S (the new employee) on her first day and left her a message, offering to buy her a cup of coffee and do what I could to help her get oriented. S didn't call back, but the next week she did stop by my cube to introduce herself. I was smitten. S is tall, 40ish, moves and speaks with a lot of confidence, and has a very direct manner. She told me a little about her work--she worked in another area, obviously at a higher level, as she dealt directly with senior management. She was brought in to make some changes in an important area. I repeated my offer of coffee and help getting oriented, but I could tell that S wasn't going to need any advice from me. This woman could navigate for herself, and she had hit the ground running. I would really liked to have dated S (and submitted to her), but she seemed out of my league, and not interested, anyway. I let it go, wistfully.
Then last fall my friend called me again, to tell me that S wanted to talk with me about something going on at the company. I e-mailed S, suggesting coffee the next day. She responded by putting a "meeting" for coffee on my calendar, a week away. That woman was busy, doing her transformational work, but she wanted to talk to me. I was impressed, and curious.
When we got together S talked about the reorganization project the company had just launched. It had been announced the week before, they were looking to consolidate things on a large scale. This could conceivably lead to the elimination of my job. I wasn't too worried, although I realize it could possibly happen. But S, who is privy to information at a higher level, wanted to help me out, give me some advice about how to survive these changes. I was touched. I also strained to understand, as she advised me to consider what a division a thousand miles away did, in relation to my local group. When she used the word "triangulate" I realized I was lost. But I listened attentively and thanked S for her concern and her advice. It was clear to me that S was an Alpha Female--decisive, successful, and sure of herself. She was leagues ahead of me in her career, and in how she viewed the world.
When S was done sharing her perspective, I told her I would like to do something for her, in return for the help she had just given me. I asked if there was any way I could help her, perhaps with something around her house. S hesitated just a moment, then said yes, there was something. She hadn't gotten around to raking the leaves out from under her shrubs, and it was weighing on her. She was going on vacation soon, and didn't know how she was going to get it done. I quickly agreed to do it. S reached out, touched my arm and thanked me. We settled on the details, and then our little talk was over.
I went over to S's house while she was on vacation, and spend about an hour-and-a-half raking her leaves. I made a serious effort to do a good job for S. And I checked out her house, just from the outside. It was much nicer than mine. I fantasized about becoming a servant for S, and doing chores inside. I smiled a lot. I knew it was unlikely that this was going anywhere, but I was serving an Alpha Female, and I was happy. I raked so intently I blistered my hands, and then I raked some more.
A few days later I ran into S in the hallway. She was back from vacation. She thanked me for my work, seemed genuinely pleased. And warm and direct--that woman has charm. I told S how glad I was to be able to help her.
I didn't want that to be the end. I thought about asking S out to dinner, but decided to pursue the choreboy role instead. The next week I stopped by her office, repeated that I enjoyed raking her leaves, and asked if there was anything else I could do for her. For once, S seemed uncomfortable. "I'll let you know if anything comes up", looking away. I realized she didn't want to puruse this, so I excused myself. And I've left her alone since.
It's not like I lost out on something. S didn't want to have coffee with me last summer, so it seemed clear I wasn't going to be able to date her. I had hopes for a while that raking her leaves might lead to something else, but it didn't. That's OK. I feel fortunate to have been touched by this Alpha Female, even briefly. And I'm glad I had a chance to serve her one afternoon, to take care of something that had been weighing on her.
My best wishes to you, S, in all aspects of your life.
Last summer a friend told me that a friend of hers was going to start working where I do. I called S (the new employee) on her first day and left her a message, offering to buy her a cup of coffee and do what I could to help her get oriented. S didn't call back, but the next week she did stop by my cube to introduce herself. I was smitten. S is tall, 40ish, moves and speaks with a lot of confidence, and has a very direct manner. She told me a little about her work--she worked in another area, obviously at a higher level, as she dealt directly with senior management. She was brought in to make some changes in an important area. I repeated my offer of coffee and help getting oriented, but I could tell that S wasn't going to need any advice from me. This woman could navigate for herself, and she had hit the ground running. I would really liked to have dated S (and submitted to her), but she seemed out of my league, and not interested, anyway. I let it go, wistfully.
Then last fall my friend called me again, to tell me that S wanted to talk with me about something going on at the company. I e-mailed S, suggesting coffee the next day. She responded by putting a "meeting" for coffee on my calendar, a week away. That woman was busy, doing her transformational work, but she wanted to talk to me. I was impressed, and curious.
When we got together S talked about the reorganization project the company had just launched. It had been announced the week before, they were looking to consolidate things on a large scale. This could conceivably lead to the elimination of my job. I wasn't too worried, although I realize it could possibly happen. But S, who is privy to information at a higher level, wanted to help me out, give me some advice about how to survive these changes. I was touched. I also strained to understand, as she advised me to consider what a division a thousand miles away did, in relation to my local group. When she used the word "triangulate" I realized I was lost. But I listened attentively and thanked S for her concern and her advice. It was clear to me that S was an Alpha Female--decisive, successful, and sure of herself. She was leagues ahead of me in her career, and in how she viewed the world.
When S was done sharing her perspective, I told her I would like to do something for her, in return for the help she had just given me. I asked if there was any way I could help her, perhaps with something around her house. S hesitated just a moment, then said yes, there was something. She hadn't gotten around to raking the leaves out from under her shrubs, and it was weighing on her. She was going on vacation soon, and didn't know how she was going to get it done. I quickly agreed to do it. S reached out, touched my arm and thanked me. We settled on the details, and then our little talk was over.
I went over to S's house while she was on vacation, and spend about an hour-and-a-half raking her leaves. I made a serious effort to do a good job for S. And I checked out her house, just from the outside. It was much nicer than mine. I fantasized about becoming a servant for S, and doing chores inside. I smiled a lot. I knew it was unlikely that this was going anywhere, but I was serving an Alpha Female, and I was happy. I raked so intently I blistered my hands, and then I raked some more.
A few days later I ran into S in the hallway. She was back from vacation. She thanked me for my work, seemed genuinely pleased. And warm and direct--that woman has charm. I told S how glad I was to be able to help her.
I didn't want that to be the end. I thought about asking S out to dinner, but decided to pursue the choreboy role instead. The next week I stopped by her office, repeated that I enjoyed raking her leaves, and asked if there was anything else I could do for her. For once, S seemed uncomfortable. "I'll let you know if anything comes up", looking away. I realized she didn't want to puruse this, so I excused myself. And I've left her alone since.
It's not like I lost out on something. S didn't want to have coffee with me last summer, so it seemed clear I wasn't going to be able to date her. I had hopes for a while that raking her leaves might lead to something else, but it didn't. That's OK. I feel fortunate to have been touched by this Alpha Female, even briefly. And I'm glad I had a chance to serve her one afternoon, to take care of something that had been weighing on her.
My best wishes to you, S, in all aspects of your life.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Old women, young women, and my doubts
I've been getting acquainted with a stream of women, and trying to imagine them as lovers. I tend to be uninterested in women near my age, which is 57. (Gasp! So old! I have held back from this particular bit of self-revelation. Thinking, perhaps, that I might meet a dominant woman through this blog, and I might be more interesting if she didn't know how old I am. Not that I would lie, but I have been concealing. But no more. This blog is primarily a way for me to process and sort out what's going on in my life. The remote prospect of meeting a compatible woman through it has been getting in the way of the primary purpose. So, here I am, revealing myself. It's good.)
I've been meeting women about my age, online and in real life, through eHarmony. It's a dating service that prides itself on finding people who are "compatible", based on an extensive personality survey you have to take in order to get listed. I tried to answer the questions honestly, so as to give the system a chance to regognize me as a natural follower, and match me up with as many Alpha Females as possible. It hasn't worked very well. I've corresponded with several dozen women, and met three in real life. And felt no sexual spark at all with any of them. Oh, they're interesting, good people. But even with compatibility assumed, that's not enough reason to date them. The first woman, we decided at the end of a coffee date that we weren't going to date, but might be friends. The second, I called it off after the coffee date. (Chicken, I could have done it during.) The third, I'm seeing tomorrow for a second date. Going to hear some Elizabethan Christmas music. I expect I'll have a good time, but if I don't feel some sexual chemistry with her, I'm going to call this one off, too. I'm having lunch with a fourth next week, but not expecting much, based on our phone conversations.
It's not that I'm never attracted to a woman in her 50's, but I certainly haven't felt it with anyone from eHarmony so far. Am I being unrealistic, expecting a sexual vibe early on with a woman in her 50's? I don't know.
Then there are women I've met at massage school. They tend to be in their 20's and 30's, although some are older, and even a few my age or more. I wouldn't think there was a chance for a relationship with one of these younger women. But I keep getting little clues that maybe there is:
I sent out e-mail invitations to my New Years open house at my new office. A 30-something student replied, saying she hopes to be able to stop by. She complimented me on my website (promoting my massage business--not this one!), and closed with her phone number. Sounds like she wants to stay in touch beyond school, no?
There's a younger woman, perhaps 25, who I got to know just a little at the tail end of school. She confided in me about her doubts about her boyfriend. I offered my perspective (wisdom?), and it seemed to resonate with her. Anyway, she told me she was coming to the open house, and then at graduation she sought me out, gave me a big hug, and told me how glad she was she had gotten to know me! I replied that it didn't have to end with graduation--felt good for avoiding getting tongue-tied. And that night I fantasized about licking her fine ass. That hug did make an impression!
And then there's my former teacher (third paragraph of this post). She's about 30, and is definitely interested in staying in touch.
It's entirely possible that all three of these young women have a professional interest in me, rather than a personal one. Most graduating students get jobs, rather than start businesses. So I stand out that way. Maybe they're coming to the open house just to get a feel for what it's like, starting a private practice. Maybe they're just a distraction, taking me away from women who would be more suitable as dominating partners. I really don't know.
So things are in flux, there are lots of opportunities. I'm not sure just what they're opportunities for, but I'm OK with that. I'm trying to stay open to possibilites, without pusing too hard.
I've been meeting women about my age, online and in real life, through eHarmony. It's a dating service that prides itself on finding people who are "compatible", based on an extensive personality survey you have to take in order to get listed. I tried to answer the questions honestly, so as to give the system a chance to regognize me as a natural follower, and match me up with as many Alpha Females as possible. It hasn't worked very well. I've corresponded with several dozen women, and met three in real life. And felt no sexual spark at all with any of them. Oh, they're interesting, good people. But even with compatibility assumed, that's not enough reason to date them. The first woman, we decided at the end of a coffee date that we weren't going to date, but might be friends. The second, I called it off after the coffee date. (Chicken, I could have done it during.) The third, I'm seeing tomorrow for a second date. Going to hear some Elizabethan Christmas music. I expect I'll have a good time, but if I don't feel some sexual chemistry with her, I'm going to call this one off, too. I'm having lunch with a fourth next week, but not expecting much, based on our phone conversations.
It's not that I'm never attracted to a woman in her 50's, but I certainly haven't felt it with anyone from eHarmony so far. Am I being unrealistic, expecting a sexual vibe early on with a woman in her 50's? I don't know.
Then there are women I've met at massage school. They tend to be in their 20's and 30's, although some are older, and even a few my age or more. I wouldn't think there was a chance for a relationship with one of these younger women. But I keep getting little clues that maybe there is:
I sent out e-mail invitations to my New Years open house at my new office. A 30-something student replied, saying she hopes to be able to stop by. She complimented me on my website (promoting my massage business--not this one!), and closed with her phone number. Sounds like she wants to stay in touch beyond school, no?
There's a younger woman, perhaps 25, who I got to know just a little at the tail end of school. She confided in me about her doubts about her boyfriend. I offered my perspective (wisdom?), and it seemed to resonate with her. Anyway, she told me she was coming to the open house, and then at graduation she sought me out, gave me a big hug, and told me how glad she was she had gotten to know me! I replied that it didn't have to end with graduation--felt good for avoiding getting tongue-tied. And that night I fantasized about licking her fine ass. That hug did make an impression!
And then there's my former teacher (third paragraph of this post). She's about 30, and is definitely interested in staying in touch.
It's entirely possible that all three of these young women have a professional interest in me, rather than a personal one. Most graduating students get jobs, rather than start businesses. So I stand out that way. Maybe they're coming to the open house just to get a feel for what it's like, starting a private practice. Maybe they're just a distraction, taking me away from women who would be more suitable as dominating partners. I really don't know.
So things are in flux, there are lots of opportunities. I'm not sure just what they're opportunities for, but I'm OK with that. I'm trying to stay open to possibilites, without pusing too hard.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Back on track
I don't handle disappointment very well. My last post described how E's polite but firm refusal to date me brought me down. I was clinging to the hope of a particular outcome with E, and I suffered when I didn't get it. Ah, but I cannot find happiness in an imagined future. I can only be happy in present reality. I know this, but I don't always live it.
I am pleased to report that I have recovered my usual optimistic, joyful mode of living. And I did it by expressing my submissive nature.
I went furniture shopping today with the woman I'll be sharing a massage room with. We had talked about what we needed to furnish the room. I had offered up my massage table, and a stool, chair, and bookcase. This wasn't really an act of generosity, as I wanted to get them out of my house, anyway. We also needed a wardrobe, some lights, a space heater, and a few small things. Today we went to a furniture store to find a wardrobe, the largest piece we needed. I brought up how to pay for things. I'm aware that A has limited financial resources compared to me. So I offered to buy the wardrobe. I asked A if she would be able to get some of the smaller things, and she said she would. So I wasn't carrying the whole load, but clearly more than half. A was pleased and grateful. I told her that I was glad to help her get started in her practice.
I wasn't flirting, or trying to get on A's good side so I could get somewhere with her. I don't feel any sexual energy between us, and I think there's zero chance of us having a relationship, femdom or not. But my desire to help A was clearly gender-based.
Paying for the wardrobe felt very right. And A's ready acceptance of this difference in our roles lifted my spirits. I enjoy serving women, and hope to find a woman to serve in the context of an intimate relationship. But even without the relationship, it was wonderful to have this opportunity to put a woman's needs ahead of mine.
I am pleased to report that I have recovered my usual optimistic, joyful mode of living. And I did it by expressing my submissive nature.
I went furniture shopping today with the woman I'll be sharing a massage room with. We had talked about what we needed to furnish the room. I had offered up my massage table, and a stool, chair, and bookcase. This wasn't really an act of generosity, as I wanted to get them out of my house, anyway. We also needed a wardrobe, some lights, a space heater, and a few small things. Today we went to a furniture store to find a wardrobe, the largest piece we needed. I brought up how to pay for things. I'm aware that A has limited financial resources compared to me. So I offered to buy the wardrobe. I asked A if she would be able to get some of the smaller things, and she said she would. So I wasn't carrying the whole load, but clearly more than half. A was pleased and grateful. I told her that I was glad to help her get started in her practice.
I wasn't flirting, or trying to get on A's good side so I could get somewhere with her. I don't feel any sexual energy between us, and I think there's zero chance of us having a relationship, femdom or not. But my desire to help A was clearly gender-based.
Paying for the wardrobe felt very right. And A's ready acceptance of this difference in our roles lifted my spirits. I enjoy serving women, and hope to find a woman to serve in the context of an intimate relationship. But even without the relationship, it was wonderful to have this opportunity to put a woman's needs ahead of mine.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Feeling down
I talked with E by phone today. (My last entry about E is here, and it has links to earlier ones.) She sounded upbeat, and thanked me for help with her assignment. I asked her out. She thanked me, but then said, in a friendly tone, "You've got to stop asking me out." She explained that she just likes to hang out at home on the weekend. She's so busy, working full-time and going to school, too, I can understand. I think she just doesn't want to add dating into her busy life. Goodness knows, I've felt that way sometimes while going to school.
I don't like it, though. The thought of all this flirting not leading to anything is depressing me.
Oh, it was a pleasant call. We had our usual animated conversation, with a little teasing. E assured me she's open to lunch, and I said we'd do that in the new year. I'm going to give it a rest for a while. Reluctantly.
Then tonight I had a first date with a woman I met at an online dating service. I like her, but I'm not feeling any sexual attraction. I'm going to give us another chance--I don't want to rush to the conclusion that there will never be sparks--but I'm not hopeful.
And there's my teacher, now my ex-teacher, fortunately. She wants to stay in touch, that's clear. I expect to ask her out, but not until after my open house, and that's tentatively set for New Years Day. Nearly three weeks away.
Not much cooking, and I'm feeling down. It will pass, I'm sure, but it's where I am right now.
I don't like it, though. The thought of all this flirting not leading to anything is depressing me.
Oh, it was a pleasant call. We had our usual animated conversation, with a little teasing. E assured me she's open to lunch, and I said we'd do that in the new year. I'm going to give it a rest for a while. Reluctantly.
Then tonight I had a first date with a woman I met at an online dating service. I like her, but I'm not feeling any sexual attraction. I'm going to give us another chance--I don't want to rush to the conclusion that there will never be sparks--but I'm not hopeful.
And there's my teacher, now my ex-teacher, fortunately. She wants to stay in touch, that's clear. I expect to ask her out, but not until after my open house, and that's tentatively set for New Years Day. Nearly three weeks away.
Not much cooking, and I'm feeling down. It will pass, I'm sure, but it's where I am right now.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
My sexy auditor
I work in IT for a large corporation. We've got internal auditors, whose job it is to check up on how we're doing things. What steps we're taking to secure our data, in particular. When an auditor wants to know something, or to see evidence that we're really following the procedure manual, we're to cooperate fully. That's a standing order from management. Auditors write up their findings, and they get visibility up through several layers of management. If they want something changed, it's likely to become a high-priority task for me. If they find much to ding me for, it's likely to show up in my performance review. These people have a lot of power.
I had my work audited last month by a very sexy auditor. M is just a few years out of college, has a petite figure with nice curves, and she likes to dress sexy. Soft, tight sweater with a plunging neckline, revealing the roundness of her firm breasts just occasionally. Tight skirt, definitely above the knee. Little strappy heels in summer, showing off her nicely pedicured toenails. And at her recent visit, tall black boots. Mmmm-hmmm, this woman has certainly got my attention, and not just because my manager says to give her what she wants.
I've fantasized about offering myself up to M as her footslave, but that desire is best left unspoken, I think. It could put her in an awkward position, having a social relationship with someone whose work she was reviewing. (Does footslave count as a social relationship? Maybe we'd have an out...)
Three times in a week M came to my cube. I greeted her warmly and solicitously fetched her a chair. She asked her questions, and I found the answers online, saving them off to a file for her. Our conversation was polite and professional, but my eyes were roaming some, and my brain, too.
I wonder if M has any idea of the effect she has on me, or men in general. I wanted to satisfy M's every desire, and I chanelled that into our working relationship. After I knew what she was looking for, I worked ahead before her final visit, so she wouldn't have to sit while I poked around on the system. I wanted to do what I could to make her job easier, even though it meant I would have less time with her.
M's findings were pretty favorable. A few things to clean up, but overall a positive report. I'm not waiting for my manager to tell me the cleanup is high priority, I'm doing it for M. I want her to be seen as effective in her job--she writes something up, and it gets resolved.
I think M is just one example, out of millions, of the power women are acquiring in the workplace. And without sacrificing her femininty, and all the power that it carries.
I hope M comes back soon, with more probing questions. I'm glad to jump for her.
I had my work audited last month by a very sexy auditor. M is just a few years out of college, has a petite figure with nice curves, and she likes to dress sexy. Soft, tight sweater with a plunging neckline, revealing the roundness of her firm breasts just occasionally. Tight skirt, definitely above the knee. Little strappy heels in summer, showing off her nicely pedicured toenails. And at her recent visit, tall black boots. Mmmm-hmmm, this woman has certainly got my attention, and not just because my manager says to give her what she wants.
I've fantasized about offering myself up to M as her footslave, but that desire is best left unspoken, I think. It could put her in an awkward position, having a social relationship with someone whose work she was reviewing. (Does footslave count as a social relationship? Maybe we'd have an out...)
Three times in a week M came to my cube. I greeted her warmly and solicitously fetched her a chair. She asked her questions, and I found the answers online, saving them off to a file for her. Our conversation was polite and professional, but my eyes were roaming some, and my brain, too.
I wonder if M has any idea of the effect she has on me, or men in general. I wanted to satisfy M's every desire, and I chanelled that into our working relationship. After I knew what she was looking for, I worked ahead before her final visit, so she wouldn't have to sit while I poked around on the system. I wanted to do what I could to make her job easier, even though it meant I would have less time with her.
M's findings were pretty favorable. A few things to clean up, but overall a positive report. I'm not waiting for my manager to tell me the cleanup is high priority, I'm doing it for M. I want her to be seen as effective in her job--she writes something up, and it gets resolved.
I think M is just one example, out of millions, of the power women are acquiring in the workplace. And without sacrificing her femininty, and all the power that it carries.
I hope M comes back soon, with more probing questions. I'm glad to jump for her.
Friday, December 8, 2006
subboy speaks: "I enjoy serving women."
Twelve people were listening intently when I spoke those words. The setting was the final meeting of my business class at massage school. We each did a presentation of our business plan. I volunteered to go first. I had decided I was going to be this direct, I felt good about it, and I wanted to get those words out in public. I got to the part about my target markets. The first was professional women. Professional, because they are more able to afford massage, and women for two reasons. First, women are more open to massage and second, "I enjoy serving women. I have a stronger emotional reaction, I get more fulfillment when I give a woman a massage." I was only slightly nervous. I looked around the circle, spoke very directly to my classmates and the teacher. It felt very good.
This is quite a change in two weeks, from the time I only wished I'd spoken these words. I am becoming more comfortable with my submissiveness, and more confident about it. And I believe that as I reveal myself to the universe, the universe will respond.
And perhaps it already is. The teacher of this class is an attractive woman. She's confident and accomplished, and told us many stories about starting her own successful private practice. Quite the role model for us. And I really enjoyed paying attention to her, because she also has the body type that I find most attractive--tall and curvy. Anyway, before class she was telling me how excited (!) she is for me and woman I'll be sharing space with. I think we remind her of herself, years ago. Then after class she asked if I was going to invite her to our open house. I had idly thought it might be a good idea to have one, and now it became obvious. So I confered with my partner, and we quickly decided to have one, and invited the teacher. I just love how forward the teacher was about this, asking to be invited. I'm attracted to decisive, assertive women, and here was one asserting that she wanted to socialize with me. This is cool, very cool.
And I repeat that writing this blog has been very helpful. The practice keeps submission in my mind. And what is in the mind can become reality.
This is quite a change in two weeks, from the time I only wished I'd spoken these words. I am becoming more comfortable with my submissiveness, and more confident about it. And I believe that as I reveal myself to the universe, the universe will respond.
And perhaps it already is. The teacher of this class is an attractive woman. She's confident and accomplished, and told us many stories about starting her own successful private practice. Quite the role model for us. And I really enjoyed paying attention to her, because she also has the body type that I find most attractive--tall and curvy. Anyway, before class she was telling me how excited (!) she is for me and woman I'll be sharing space with. I think we remind her of herself, years ago. Then after class she asked if I was going to invite her to our open house. I had idly thought it might be a good idea to have one, and now it became obvious. So I confered with my partner, and we quickly decided to have one, and invited the teacher. I just love how forward the teacher was about this, asking to be invited. I'm attracted to decisive, assertive women, and here was one asserting that she wanted to socialize with me. This is cool, very cool.
And I repeat that writing this blog has been very helpful. The practice keeps submission in my mind. And what is in the mind can become reality.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Planting seeds with E
I had a most enjoyable lunch with E today. (My history with E, such as it is, is presented here, and my intention about today’s conversation here.)
We met at a buffet place and talked so much it took us nearly two hours to have lunch. Two delightful hours. We talked about school, mostly. E is a student at the same massage school that I’m about to graduate from. She’s got a ways to go, and was interested in my experience with the parts she hasn’t gotten to yet.
Instead of asking if I could date her, I asked her out for a specific event this weekend. Phrased it as, “I’m thinking of going and I don’t want to go alone, would you like to go with me?” I thought this was a little less forward, and would give her the opportunity to think of it as a friendly thing to do, rather than a date laden with sexual overtones. She said she was interested, but would have to think about it.
Half an hour later she told me she was going to decline my offer, explaining she was going to be busy writing a paper for school. She had already talked about this particular assignment, and how she was feeling under the gun. So it made sense. And E thanked me for my offer, rather than saying no, she wasn’t interested in dating. Then our conversation flowed something like this:
sb: Well is there something I could do for you, to free up your time, so you can just concentrate on the paper? (I didn’t present this as “so you can get it done and go out with me, too.” It was just an offer to help her.)
E: I don’t think so. I mean, I’ll be going to the gym, you can’t do that for me. And I’ll be doing laundry, you can’t do that for me.
sb: Yes, I could do your laundry.
E: Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that.
sb: It’s a serious offer, E. Or if there’s something I could do around your house, some project, or run some errands, or clean your gutters…
E: Be careful, you might regret this. (Laughs.)
sb: I’d like to find out. (grins)
I told E how seeing her was the highlight of my day, and my week, and how she contributed so much to my life, I just wanted to do something nice for her in return. I repeated my offer, extending the timeline beyond this weekend. It was all true, all heartfelt. E thanked me, and said I was very sweet.
I offered to send E my paper from that same assignment, and she seemed genuinely pleased. Not that she’ll copy it, but just having an example could help her get unstuck.
E let me pay for lunch, which pleased me. And when the cashier wished us a good day, I said, “Any day I get to see E is a good day.”
So, no date, but I am feeling very hopeful. The door seems slightly open, and not just to the possibility of a date. I made an offer of service, and E found that touching.
All these hours later, I’m still glowing.
We met at a buffet place and talked so much it took us nearly two hours to have lunch. Two delightful hours. We talked about school, mostly. E is a student at the same massage school that I’m about to graduate from. She’s got a ways to go, and was interested in my experience with the parts she hasn’t gotten to yet.
Instead of asking if I could date her, I asked her out for a specific event this weekend. Phrased it as, “I’m thinking of going and I don’t want to go alone, would you like to go with me?” I thought this was a little less forward, and would give her the opportunity to think of it as a friendly thing to do, rather than a date laden with sexual overtones. She said she was interested, but would have to think about it.
Half an hour later she told me she was going to decline my offer, explaining she was going to be busy writing a paper for school. She had already talked about this particular assignment, and how she was feeling under the gun. So it made sense. And E thanked me for my offer, rather than saying no, she wasn’t interested in dating. Then our conversation flowed something like this:
sb: Well is there something I could do for you, to free up your time, so you can just concentrate on the paper? (I didn’t present this as “so you can get it done and go out with me, too.” It was just an offer to help her.)
E: I don’t think so. I mean, I’ll be going to the gym, you can’t do that for me. And I’ll be doing laundry, you can’t do that for me.
sb: Yes, I could do your laundry.
E: Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that.
sb: It’s a serious offer, E. Or if there’s something I could do around your house, some project, or run some errands, or clean your gutters…
E: Be careful, you might regret this. (Laughs.)
sb: I’d like to find out. (grins)
I told E how seeing her was the highlight of my day, and my week, and how she contributed so much to my life, I just wanted to do something nice for her in return. I repeated my offer, extending the timeline beyond this weekend. It was all true, all heartfelt. E thanked me, and said I was very sweet.
I offered to send E my paper from that same assignment, and she seemed genuinely pleased. Not that she’ll copy it, but just having an example could help her get unstuck.
E let me pay for lunch, which pleased me. And when the cashier wished us a good day, I said, “Any day I get to see E is a good day.”
So, no date, but I am feeling very hopeful. The door seems slightly open, and not just to the possibility of a date. I made an offer of service, and E found that touching.
All these hours later, I’m still glowing.
Monday, December 4, 2006
My unused calling card
I'm trying to be open to the possibility that I might meet the woman who will become my dominating life partner in an unexpected way, just in the course of day-to-day life. Perhaps a woman I see on the street will catch my eye, and I will be able to catch hers. I do enjoy watching women walk, particularly women who stride with confidence, comfortable in their bodies and aware of their attractiveness. Add some flattering clothes, perhaps some serious boots, and I can be instantly smitten.
Several times I have caught the eye of such a woman as she walked by and shared my reaction with her. A smile and a nod, perhaps a hand to my chest, acknowledging that my heart had skipped a beat. She smiled at my reaction and walked on.
I want to be bold enough to speak to her, to tell her that she is gorgeous, and to thank her for brightening my day with her presence. I want to ask her if I could return the favor by doing something for her, to make her day a bit easier, or more fun. Could I carry a package, run an errand, get her a cab? I want to make an open-ended offer to her--doesn't have to be something right now. If she thinks of something days later, she could call me. So I carry with me some calling cards that I had made up.
Service with a Smile
My full name
My cell phone number
There's a picture of a cup of coffee, a symbol of hospitality and service.
I've carried these cards for over a year. I haven't given one out yet. I'm shy, and this does seem very forward. I worry that it might seem too weird, or threatening. I don't want to cause any woman discomfort.
I'm not even sure that giving the card is a good idea. If I can't engage in the conversation, and get her interest that way, the card would be pointless. So first, I have to take the step of speaking up, of telling a woman how impressed I am. Not just with a smile and a gesture, but with words. It's great to notice confident and attractive women on the street, but I want more. And the next step is up to me.
I can do this.
Several times I have caught the eye of such a woman as she walked by and shared my reaction with her. A smile and a nod, perhaps a hand to my chest, acknowledging that my heart had skipped a beat. She smiled at my reaction and walked on.
I want to be bold enough to speak to her, to tell her that she is gorgeous, and to thank her for brightening my day with her presence. I want to ask her if I could return the favor by doing something for her, to make her day a bit easier, or more fun. Could I carry a package, run an errand, get her a cab? I want to make an open-ended offer to her--doesn't have to be something right now. If she thinks of something days later, she could call me. So I carry with me some calling cards that I had made up.
Service with a Smile
My full name
My cell phone number
There's a picture of a cup of coffee, a symbol of hospitality and service.
I've carried these cards for over a year. I haven't given one out yet. I'm shy, and this does seem very forward. I worry that it might seem too weird, or threatening. I don't want to cause any woman discomfort.
I'm not even sure that giving the card is a good idea. If I can't engage in the conversation, and get her interest that way, the card would be pointless. So first, I have to take the step of speaking up, of telling a woman how impressed I am. Not just with a smile and a gesture, but with words. It's great to notice confident and attractive women on the street, but I want more. And the next step is up to me.
I can do this.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
On being seen and known
Here at the tail end of massage school I'm taking a class where they have us prepare business plans and marketing materials, and this week we had show and tell with mock-ups of business cards. Mine was pretty close to what it's actually going to be, with my sub-tenancy address on it. I like it pretty well. Heck, I enjoy just looking at it, I can be that self-absorbed. But I was wondering if anyone else would like it. It's not at all dramatic visually, like some other people's. Lots of black text on a white background, just one small graphic and not much color. But there's a woman in class who seems quite intuitive, and her immediate reaction was, "I like it. It's so you!" And I felt that she knew me and understood me, and it felt very good.
This desire to be known and understood runs deep in me. And being seen is a close corollary.
I am an exhibitionist. Years past, I sometimes practiced this in inappropriate ways. More recently, I've found acceptable outlets. In the BDSM community, I enjoyed being dominated while nude at parties. I got to display my body to the crowd, and my submissiveness, too. And now I occasionally work as a nude model for art classes and coops. This isn't so over-the-top as getting flogged while naked in a room full of people, but it does feed my spirit. I really enjoy being nude and having a roomful of people looking at me. Looking quite intently, in the case of artists. As the model, I am objectified, and I like that. This wouldn't do anything for me if the artists were all men, but that's never been the case. The classes are usually about evenly divided, or have more women. And I particularly enjoy it that I am nude and the women are clothed. This carries a distinction in status, even though it's not overly femdom.
I intend to carry my longing into a femdom relationship. A woman who really knows me will be able to use that knowledge to push my buttons, and train me to serve her. To our mutual delight.
This desire to be known and understood runs deep in me. And being seen is a close corollary.
I am an exhibitionist. Years past, I sometimes practiced this in inappropriate ways. More recently, I've found acceptable outlets. In the BDSM community, I enjoyed being dominated while nude at parties. I got to display my body to the crowd, and my submissiveness, too. And now I occasionally work as a nude model for art classes and coops. This isn't so over-the-top as getting flogged while naked in a room full of people, but it does feed my spirit. I really enjoy being nude and having a roomful of people looking at me. Looking quite intently, in the case of artists. As the model, I am objectified, and I like that. This wouldn't do anything for me if the artists were all men, but that's never been the case. The classes are usually about evenly divided, or have more women. And I particularly enjoy it that I am nude and the women are clothed. This carries a distinction in status, even though it's not overly femdom.
I intend to carry my longing into a femdom relationship. A woman who really knows me will be able to use that knowledge to push my buttons, and train me to serve her. To our mutual delight.
Friday, December 1, 2006
E called me
E called me at work yesterday, to set up a lunch date. (Read about my fascination with E here.) I was very pleased to hear from her, and I made sure I told her that. There was this animated quality to her voice, that I took to mean she was enjoying our brief conversation, too. Well, I think that's part of her persona, that she has a lively, attentive interest in things. I also like to think this quality rises when we talk. And just in setting the date and time (the place is always the same), we teased each other a bit. It felt good. I didn't care what my co-workers heard, I wasn't going to forego an opportunity to flirt with E.
So next Tuesday we'll have an hour or more together, to get caught up and flirt some more. I'll compliment her and I'll tell her I want to date her. And if she's not interested in dating, I'll follow up with something like, "I'm really attracted to you, E, and that motivates me to want to do something nice for you, to make your life a little easier. You bring such joy to my life, I just want to do something nice for you." I'll offer to do errands or housework, just to lighten her load. Nothing too personal.
And regardless of her response, I will be glad that I declared myself.
So next Tuesday we'll have an hour or more together, to get caught up and flirt some more. I'll compliment her and I'll tell her I want to date her. And if she's not interested in dating, I'll follow up with something like, "I'm really attracted to you, E, and that motivates me to want to do something nice for you, to make your life a little easier. You bring such joy to my life, I just want to do something nice for you." I'll offer to do errands or housework, just to lighten her load. Nothing too personal.
And regardless of her response, I will be glad that I declared myself.
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