A pause, at least

I'm going to suspend posting to this blog. Now that I'm in a real relationship, instead of just thinking about a hypothetical one, I want to shift my focus. I think that this blog could become a big distraction. Also, now that I'm close to L, I don't feel right about exposing our private lives, even behind the veil of anonymity. Not without her knowledge and consent, anyway.

This blog has been helpful, and I particularly appreciate the feedback I've gotten from like-minded folks. You're welcome to e-mail me.

I don't expect to post again until one of two things happen: I have told L about this blog and gotten her approval, or our relationship is over. Wish me luck!

How we like it

L and I celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday. Her idea, to avoid the crowded restaurants tonight. I like how this woman thinks! She came over to my house first, and we exchanged gifts, with lots of kissing along the way. It was quite fun. We are definitely enthused about each other! Then out to a very nice, leisurely dinner, and then back to my place where we continued to get acquainted with each other's bodies and desires. I'll say we made love, although our pants stayed on. It's wonderful how much we enjoy each other. And I like our style, too. There's a good deal of assymetry in our lovemaking, and L seems quite comfortable with it.

I spent a whole lot of time licking, sucking, and nibbling L's breasts. Devoting myself to her pleasure. She was quite willing to lay back and enjoy my attention, and just run her fingers through my hair.

I made oral love to her feet. L tried to dissuade me, saying her feet were the least favorite part of her body. But I pressed gently on, and we had a good time with this. While I was working on one of her feet with my mouth she pulled off one of my socks.

L: Would you like me to reciprocate?

s: No.

L: I like that!

And her attitude spurred me on as I adored her feet.

I also did a log of grinding against her, pressing my erection against her, though all our clothes, dry-humping her, really. At one point I got close to coming and grasped her tightly and moaned, and just managed to hold myself back. I lay still a bit and let myself down from the edge. Then I told L that in was really intense, almost coming, and that I enjoyed it. She asked me to explain.

s: Well, there's some frustration. But I get to be turned on longer, and I like that. And I get to share being turned on with you, and I really like that.

I made a few weak pelvic thrusts against her leg, just reminders of the intense strokes of a few minutes earlier.

L: That's very interesting.

And she had this look like she was tucking this fact away, for later use.

I like how we are together, and I have hopes that our lovemaking will become more and more asymmetrical. I feel very fortunate.

And like that, I've got a girlfriend

I saw L again mid-week. We took a walk in the cold and saw a movie. We snuggled, oh that was nice, and we laughed the hardest at the same parts. We had another leisurely dinner, and a wide-ranging, lively conversation. I really like L, and she's fun. Then we went back to her house and she invited me in. She showed me around a bit and made us tea. And then we snuggled again and kissed and more, and it was wonderful. Wonderful to feel connected with L, to feel so at ease with her.

There's nothing overtly femdom about our relationship. But there are a few hopeful signs. L is very direct, she's commented on this, and I've noticed it. I was quite the gentleman. As I started to unbutton her sweater I told her to let me know if I did anything she wasn't comfortable with. "Your comfort is very important to me. And your pleasure." I wanted to make it clear that while I was taking the lead, she retained control.

And our lovemaking was somewhat one-sided. L kissed me passionately, but only on my mouth. I kissed and licked her many places besides her mouth. I licked and sucked her nipples for a long time, and she lay back and enjoyed it. While I enjoyed her enjoyment. :) And I made clear my desire to go down on her. I nuzzled her pussy through her pants, which stayed on, and told her I wanted to lick her there, too. "Another day," she said.

We hugged a lot and parted slowly. I smiled all the next day.

L is out of town for the weekend. I'll see her next on Tuesday, when we're going to celebrate Valentines Day a day early. Her idea, to avoid the rush of people at restaurants.

I'm trying to avoid looking ahead too much, to just enjoy what we have without fretting about how this might develop. I have noticed that I'm ogling other women less and less, as L and I get closer. Focus is good.

The power of declaring

L and I had our third date yesterday, to the science museum and then out to dinner. I had decided beforehand that I wanted to date only L. She interests me far more than anyone else I've met, and I want to focus, and see where that leads. So at dinner I told her this--the part about deciding I would date only her. And as soon as I did, I felt a slight twinge of sexual arousal. Some part of me was saying "Yes, this is the way to be sexual. Committment is erotic." Very interesting.

We had a leisurely dinner, then she drove me back to my car and we talked some more. And I wanted to kiss her, or at least find out if she wanted to, too. So I leaned in and said, "I want to kiss you", and she said "I'm agreeable", and so we did, several times. And it was good.

We also declared that we are Valentines.

Tonight we talked on the phone, over an hour, a wide-ranging conversation. I told her about getting aroused at dinner--another declaration. I feel like I'm offering myself up to her--my commiitment, my arousal--and it feels good.

Going slow, but OK

Maybe it's the season, the chill of winter slowing everything down. I haven't felt particularly interested in sex or subbish thoughts lately. There has been a little movement on the dating front.

I met one other woman through eHarmony. I like her and I enjoyed her company, but I can't say I feel anything sexual towards her. This is starting to sound like my last post, about L, whom I also met through eHarmony. Maybe this is about myself, more than them. Anyway, we parted with a mutual declaration that we want to see each other again. Nothing definite.

L and I are back from our trips. We talked on the phone tonight, and reconnected. She is easy to talk with, and I like that. I often don't feel at ease on the phone, even with old friends. Not the case with L. We talked for over an hour, and made plans for a Saturday date. The science museum then dinner. L suggested a place I wasn't familiar with, and I agreed. As we were wrapping up, I asked if she would like me to make a reservation.

L: Yes, that would please me.

subboy: Oh good, I do enjoy pleasing.

So this snippet of conversation pleased me. Slow movement, but in a good direction.

On another front, my massage business is off to a modest start. My January earnings almost paid the rent, not quite. I do have two appointments booked for this coming Saturday, which means February will be off to a fast start, relatively speaking. I've taken some steps to market my practice. Talking to strangers about myself--yikes! Definitely out of my comfort zone. Bit by bit, I'm becoming more used to it.

And I am very much enjoying giving massage in my office. I gave one today to D, the woman I rent from. We're trading practice, with an eye towards referring clients to each other. She worked on me last week, and I completed the trade today. I was nervous, and made a few mistakes early on. But I got more focused as the massage progressed, and ended up satisfied with the massage. It wasn't sexual, but I was very much getting into providing attentive service. And D was quite pleased with my work. That was very gratifying. She's going to refer her boyfriend to me. Ah, the twist I could put on that! But I don't think I'll go there.

Focus on the women I am dating, that's the thing to do.

Second date with L

So I had a second little date with L yesterday, a long conversation over coffee. My impression is much like after our first date, which I described in my last post. I really enjoy talking with L, I like her, and I find her interesting. I feel attracted to her, but there's no sexual edge to it. This is a bit odd for me--I tend to view women as sexual beings, and imagine having sex with them. Even women I know this isn't going to happen with, like married co-workers. It may be that L doesn't wear revealing or form-fitting clothes, and isn't flirtatious. L has ended each date with a formal handshake. I thought, before our second date, that I might kiss her hand when she offered it, but when she did, I just didn't feel like it.

I'm keeping an open mind about this. Willing to go slowly. It might be healthier, instead of rushing into kissing and rounding the basepath and all that. I did have a big smile on my face after we shook hands and parted.

I do feel drawn to L, and want to go out of my way to make things easier for her. She wasn't sure at first about having time to get away for coffee yesterday, so I suggested we meet at the place most convenient for her. I drove 4-5 miles, and she walked a few blocks, and I was glad to do my part, so much more than hers. Now we won't see each other for nearly two weeks. I'm going out of town and then she is. I offered to pick her up at the airport when she gets back, and she's considering it.

We have a sort-of plan for another date, a trip to a science museum for a particular exhibit. Very brainy stuff. I think L may be the most intelligent woman I've ever dated. This isn't the sort of date I've often suggested to any woman, but hey, I was actually interested in the exhibit before she brought it up. It seems we are pretty well matched in interests.

Life is good.

Two dates today

Well, things have been percolating along. The bad news is that none of the young women I wrote about here (latter part) are interested in me. My former teacher had the courtesy to let me know. The others just didn't return my calls. Ah, well, I found out, and I can move on. In hindsight, I think of them as a distraction.

The good news is that I've been meeting more women through eHarmony. I wrote about that in the same post, first part. The lunch date that I spoke of in the future tense back then was enjoyable, but we both felt that there wasn't a spark, and it was better to not date. Things were quiet over the holidays, but then there was something of a surge starting around New Years. I've had several interesting online interactions, and today I had two first dates.

I had lunch with L. I really enjoyed her company, and it was clear this was mutual. We had lots to talk about and laughed a lot, and tended to see things the same way. I can't say I'm feeling any sexual chemistry with her, but there's certainly some sort of chemistry between us, and I'm going to give us some time to see if a sexual interest develops. She's fun to be with, so "giving it time" will be quite pleasant, I think. And there were just two little instances of asymmetry today that felt oh, so right to me. L picked up the check, saying "Let me pay for this." I said, "Well, if you're sure..." and she was, so I let her take charge of it. And then I said I would pay the next time, "I want there to be a next time", and L quickly agreed that she did, too. It felt good letting her take the lead on this, doing it her way, but making my committment clear. And then when we parted I pointed out that I would wait for her to call, since she had my phone numbers but I didn't have hers. L made no offer to share a number. She asked if I was OK with not knowing hers, and I assured her I was quite comfortable with it. Thinking it over this evening, I find it interesting that she wouldn't share a number even though she's sure she wants to see me again. Apparently she likes this asymmetry. So, two little things, but both felt quite natural. Oh, and L is a successful career woman. Some bumps in the last few years, but clearly a woman of intellect, drive, and accomplishment. Of course, I find this appealing.

After this very long lunch I went home, walked my dog, and took a nap. I was surprised how long I slept, well over an hour. I guess I needed some down time between dates. This was less than ideal, meeting two women the same day. It's important to me to be present with a woman I'm dating, and give her my full attention. I think the nap helped with that.

Well, dinner was a different experience. I didn't feel much of a personal connection with my date, let along a sexual interest. At the end I asked if she was interested in meeting again, and she said she didn't know, she'd have to think about it. I said I felt the same way, I needed to at least sleep on it. So we parted cordially, but with no declarations of intent. And that felt just fine to me.

It was a good day. May the percolation continue...

My adaptable bed

I have a wood-frame bed, queen-sized. When my wife and I were dividing up the furniture during our divorce I made it a priority to get this bed. Because wood is so adaptable, and I had plans. I drilled holes and installed four large eye-bolts, one at each corner. I got wrist and ankle cuffs, chain and clasps. They're for bondage.

Been there, done that, want to do it again.

Back when I was in the local BDSM community, a Domme came over one day and we had an enjoyable time. Found out that my homemade bondage system was indeed easy to use and secure. After some naked boot worship, she had me kneel at the foot of the bed, facing it, and she fastnened my wrists to the eyebolts at the foot of the bed. This kept me in position while she flogged me. I could writhe, but there was no way I was going to get away until she released my cuffs. Then she had me lie on my back on the bed and she stretched me out to the four corners.

This is something I'd fantasized about for a long time--being exposed and vulnerable like that, and teased. I wanted to know what it would be like to have an orgasm while tied down spread-eagled. My natural reaction (every man's?) when I have an orgasm is to bring my legs together. What would it be like if I couldn't, I wondered. I was curious what it would feel like in my muscles, too. My orgasm isn't just a genital experience--my large muscles contract strongly. What if they were constrained? I imagined the orgasm would be more intense. I wanted to find out.

So I was very pleased when the Domme got me spread-eagled on my bed, on my back. She did tease me, and lightly tortured my nipples, cock, and balls. We both got very turned on, and my helplessness was definitely fueling our arousal. I thought that my fantasy was about to come true.

But after a while the Domme told me she was worn out. She was short on sleep and fighting a cold, and had been burning the candle at both ends, so to speak, dripping hot wax on me and who knows how many other subs that weekend. She just didn't have the energy for any more play. She was apologetic. I was understanding. She released me, and had me masturbate for her. This was pleasurable, of course. But in a sense I was left high and dry, my fantasy of the restrained orgasm unfulfilled.

We parted with a hug and a kiss. I thought we'd had a good start with bondage, and looked forward to getting together with her again. And we did, once, in another setting. But then she moved off in a different direction in her life, and I haven't seen her since.

Today I removed the eyebolts from my bed. It's a matter of focus and sequence. I still want very much to be spread-eagled and teased, but before that I want to get into bed for some more conventional lovemaking. And while the eyebolts were well-hidden when the bed is made, just turning the covers back exposes at least one of them. I don't want a woman to discover the eyebolts just as we're getting naked for the first time. I expect they'd be off-putting. This is my fantasy, probably not hers, and I don't want to lead with my fantasies. At any point in a relationship. A basic premise of a Female-Led Relationship is that we do things her way, when she wants to.

If and when I get into such a relationship and she decides she wants to chain me down to the bed, it won't take long to re-install the eyebolts. Wood is adaptable, after all. And I want to be adaptable, too.

More clarity, darn it

I found out today that my former teacher is not interested in dating me. Nuts. I knew I was going on speculation, and it seemed unlikely, but I was disappointed anyway. Getting the news brought me down for several hours.

I am glad that I acted on my hope, and followed through on the declaration I made in my last post. At least now I know we won't be dating, so I can move on.

A slow start to the new year

I had an open house for my massage business on New Years Day. It went fairly well from a business standpoint. About 30 people stopped by, all friends and acquaintances. I think a few of them may well become clients, and the rest have at least some potential to refer clients to me, so it was good that they got to see my office, and get a brief chair massage. They'll be more credible referrers for having done this.

However, I was expecting several women from school--potential dates--to stop by, and none of them did. I wrote about them here, last half of the long post. So, I didn't flirt with anyone, and I made no progress on finding out if I'll actually be able to date any of these women. So the next step is clear--it's up to me to ask them out, and see they respond. That age-old male duty, stepping out on a limb in the quest for nookie. I'm going to start with my former teacher. Declaration: I will call her on Tuesday.