So a neighbor came over yesterday, the one who left her husband last year and moved nearby with three youngish children, and she wanted to talk about difficulties she's having, goodness knows there's plenty to struggle with during a contested divorce, and we talked for a while and I tried to be a good neighboor, maybe a friend, and I decided to abandon neutrality, heck, I never even met her husband, it's not like I need to stay on his good side, so I told her I wanted to support her however I could and as she smiled and thanked me I thought yes, and I also want to lick your ass, to probe softly at your puckered anus with my tongue and offer you my adoration.
I was surpised at how this graphic, lustful image sprung to mind so suddenly. Well, maybe I shouldn't have been. I'd noticed her body many times, she's quite attractive, and has a very nice ass. My conscious mind has said no, it makes no sense to get involved. She's still married, it seems her life is absorbed with her kids, and besides, I don't think our personalities are a good fit. But my subconsicous desire lept quickly to the fore.
I do hope to get into a relationship where I can support my woman in all sorts of ways--by listening empathetically and licking in adoration, and filling every role she conjures up for me.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Touched by an Alpha Female
I had an encounter with an Alpha Female a few months ago. I offered myself to her service, and she took me up on it. Once.
Last summer a friend told me that a friend of hers was going to start working where I do. I called S (the new employee) on her first day and left her a message, offering to buy her a cup of coffee and do what I could to help her get oriented. S didn't call back, but the next week she did stop by my cube to introduce herself. I was smitten. S is tall, 40ish, moves and speaks with a lot of confidence, and has a very direct manner. She told me a little about her work--she worked in another area, obviously at a higher level, as she dealt directly with senior management. She was brought in to make some changes in an important area. I repeated my offer of coffee and help getting oriented, but I could tell that S wasn't going to need any advice from me. This woman could navigate for herself, and she had hit the ground running. I would really liked to have dated S (and submitted to her), but she seemed out of my league, and not interested, anyway. I let it go, wistfully.
Then last fall my friend called me again, to tell me that S wanted to talk with me about something going on at the company. I e-mailed S, suggesting coffee the next day. She responded by putting a "meeting" for coffee on my calendar, a week away. That woman was busy, doing her transformational work, but she wanted to talk to me. I was impressed, and curious.
When we got together S talked about the reorganization project the company had just launched. It had been announced the week before, they were looking to consolidate things on a large scale. This could conceivably lead to the elimination of my job. I wasn't too worried, although I realize it could possibly happen. But S, who is privy to information at a higher level, wanted to help me out, give me some advice about how to survive these changes. I was touched. I also strained to understand, as she advised me to consider what a division a thousand miles away did, in relation to my local group. When she used the word "triangulate" I realized I was lost. But I listened attentively and thanked S for her concern and her advice. It was clear to me that S was an Alpha Female--decisive, successful, and sure of herself. She was leagues ahead of me in her career, and in how she viewed the world.
When S was done sharing her perspective, I told her I would like to do something for her, in return for the help she had just given me. I asked if there was any way I could help her, perhaps with something around her house. S hesitated just a moment, then said yes, there was something. She hadn't gotten around to raking the leaves out from under her shrubs, and it was weighing on her. She was going on vacation soon, and didn't know how she was going to get it done. I quickly agreed to do it. S reached out, touched my arm and thanked me. We settled on the details, and then our little talk was over.
I went over to S's house while she was on vacation, and spend about an hour-and-a-half raking her leaves. I made a serious effort to do a good job for S. And I checked out her house, just from the outside. It was much nicer than mine. I fantasized about becoming a servant for S, and doing chores inside. I smiled a lot. I knew it was unlikely that this was going anywhere, but I was serving an Alpha Female, and I was happy. I raked so intently I blistered my hands, and then I raked some more.
A few days later I ran into S in the hallway. She was back from vacation. She thanked me for my work, seemed genuinely pleased. And warm and direct--that woman has charm. I told S how glad I was to be able to help her.
I didn't want that to be the end. I thought about asking S out to dinner, but decided to pursue the choreboy role instead. The next week I stopped by her office, repeated that I enjoyed raking her leaves, and asked if there was anything else I could do for her. For once, S seemed uncomfortable. "I'll let you know if anything comes up", looking away. I realized she didn't want to puruse this, so I excused myself. And I've left her alone since.
It's not like I lost out on something. S didn't want to have coffee with me last summer, so it seemed clear I wasn't going to be able to date her. I had hopes for a while that raking her leaves might lead to something else, but it didn't. That's OK. I feel fortunate to have been touched by this Alpha Female, even briefly. And I'm glad I had a chance to serve her one afternoon, to take care of something that had been weighing on her.
My best wishes to you, S, in all aspects of your life.
Last summer a friend told me that a friend of hers was going to start working where I do. I called S (the new employee) on her first day and left her a message, offering to buy her a cup of coffee and do what I could to help her get oriented. S didn't call back, but the next week she did stop by my cube to introduce herself. I was smitten. S is tall, 40ish, moves and speaks with a lot of confidence, and has a very direct manner. She told me a little about her work--she worked in another area, obviously at a higher level, as she dealt directly with senior management. She was brought in to make some changes in an important area. I repeated my offer of coffee and help getting oriented, but I could tell that S wasn't going to need any advice from me. This woman could navigate for herself, and she had hit the ground running. I would really liked to have dated S (and submitted to her), but she seemed out of my league, and not interested, anyway. I let it go, wistfully.
Then last fall my friend called me again, to tell me that S wanted to talk with me about something going on at the company. I e-mailed S, suggesting coffee the next day. She responded by putting a "meeting" for coffee on my calendar, a week away. That woman was busy, doing her transformational work, but she wanted to talk to me. I was impressed, and curious.
When we got together S talked about the reorganization project the company had just launched. It had been announced the week before, they were looking to consolidate things on a large scale. This could conceivably lead to the elimination of my job. I wasn't too worried, although I realize it could possibly happen. But S, who is privy to information at a higher level, wanted to help me out, give me some advice about how to survive these changes. I was touched. I also strained to understand, as she advised me to consider what a division a thousand miles away did, in relation to my local group. When she used the word "triangulate" I realized I was lost. But I listened attentively and thanked S for her concern and her advice. It was clear to me that S was an Alpha Female--decisive, successful, and sure of herself. She was leagues ahead of me in her career, and in how she viewed the world.
When S was done sharing her perspective, I told her I would like to do something for her, in return for the help she had just given me. I asked if there was any way I could help her, perhaps with something around her house. S hesitated just a moment, then said yes, there was something. She hadn't gotten around to raking the leaves out from under her shrubs, and it was weighing on her. She was going on vacation soon, and didn't know how she was going to get it done. I quickly agreed to do it. S reached out, touched my arm and thanked me. We settled on the details, and then our little talk was over.
I went over to S's house while she was on vacation, and spend about an hour-and-a-half raking her leaves. I made a serious effort to do a good job for S. And I checked out her house, just from the outside. It was much nicer than mine. I fantasized about becoming a servant for S, and doing chores inside. I smiled a lot. I knew it was unlikely that this was going anywhere, but I was serving an Alpha Female, and I was happy. I raked so intently I blistered my hands, and then I raked some more.
A few days later I ran into S in the hallway. She was back from vacation. She thanked me for my work, seemed genuinely pleased. And warm and direct--that woman has charm. I told S how glad I was to be able to help her.
I didn't want that to be the end. I thought about asking S out to dinner, but decided to pursue the choreboy role instead. The next week I stopped by her office, repeated that I enjoyed raking her leaves, and asked if there was anything else I could do for her. For once, S seemed uncomfortable. "I'll let you know if anything comes up", looking away. I realized she didn't want to puruse this, so I excused myself. And I've left her alone since.
It's not like I lost out on something. S didn't want to have coffee with me last summer, so it seemed clear I wasn't going to be able to date her. I had hopes for a while that raking her leaves might lead to something else, but it didn't. That's OK. I feel fortunate to have been touched by this Alpha Female, even briefly. And I'm glad I had a chance to serve her one afternoon, to take care of something that had been weighing on her.
My best wishes to you, S, in all aspects of your life.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Old women, young women, and my doubts
I've been getting acquainted with a stream of women, and trying to imagine them as lovers. I tend to be uninterested in women near my age, which is 57. (Gasp! So old! I have held back from this particular bit of self-revelation. Thinking, perhaps, that I might meet a dominant woman through this blog, and I might be more interesting if she didn't know how old I am. Not that I would lie, but I have been concealing. But no more. This blog is primarily a way for me to process and sort out what's going on in my life. The remote prospect of meeting a compatible woman through it has been getting in the way of the primary purpose. So, here I am, revealing myself. It's good.)
I've been meeting women about my age, online and in real life, through eHarmony. It's a dating service that prides itself on finding people who are "compatible", based on an extensive personality survey you have to take in order to get listed. I tried to answer the questions honestly, so as to give the system a chance to regognize me as a natural follower, and match me up with as many Alpha Females as possible. It hasn't worked very well. I've corresponded with several dozen women, and met three in real life. And felt no sexual spark at all with any of them. Oh, they're interesting, good people. But even with compatibility assumed, that's not enough reason to date them. The first woman, we decided at the end of a coffee date that we weren't going to date, but might be friends. The second, I called it off after the coffee date. (Chicken, I could have done it during.) The third, I'm seeing tomorrow for a second date. Going to hear some Elizabethan Christmas music. I expect I'll have a good time, but if I don't feel some sexual chemistry with her, I'm going to call this one off, too. I'm having lunch with a fourth next week, but not expecting much, based on our phone conversations.
It's not that I'm never attracted to a woman in her 50's, but I certainly haven't felt it with anyone from eHarmony so far. Am I being unrealistic, expecting a sexual vibe early on with a woman in her 50's? I don't know.
Then there are women I've met at massage school. They tend to be in their 20's and 30's, although some are older, and even a few my age or more. I wouldn't think there was a chance for a relationship with one of these younger women. But I keep getting little clues that maybe there is:
I sent out e-mail invitations to my New Years open house at my new office. A 30-something student replied, saying she hopes to be able to stop by. She complimented me on my website (promoting my massage business--not this one!), and closed with her phone number. Sounds like she wants to stay in touch beyond school, no?
There's a younger woman, perhaps 25, who I got to know just a little at the tail end of school. She confided in me about her doubts about her boyfriend. I offered my perspective (wisdom?), and it seemed to resonate with her. Anyway, she told me she was coming to the open house, and then at graduation she sought me out, gave me a big hug, and told me how glad she was she had gotten to know me! I replied that it didn't have to end with graduation--felt good for avoiding getting tongue-tied. And that night I fantasized about licking her fine ass. That hug did make an impression!
And then there's my former teacher (third paragraph of this post). She's about 30, and is definitely interested in staying in touch.
It's entirely possible that all three of these young women have a professional interest in me, rather than a personal one. Most graduating students get jobs, rather than start businesses. So I stand out that way. Maybe they're coming to the open house just to get a feel for what it's like, starting a private practice. Maybe they're just a distraction, taking me away from women who would be more suitable as dominating partners. I really don't know.
So things are in flux, there are lots of opportunities. I'm not sure just what they're opportunities for, but I'm OK with that. I'm trying to stay open to possibilites, without pusing too hard.
I've been meeting women about my age, online and in real life, through eHarmony. It's a dating service that prides itself on finding people who are "compatible", based on an extensive personality survey you have to take in order to get listed. I tried to answer the questions honestly, so as to give the system a chance to regognize me as a natural follower, and match me up with as many Alpha Females as possible. It hasn't worked very well. I've corresponded with several dozen women, and met three in real life. And felt no sexual spark at all with any of them. Oh, they're interesting, good people. But even with compatibility assumed, that's not enough reason to date them. The first woman, we decided at the end of a coffee date that we weren't going to date, but might be friends. The second, I called it off after the coffee date. (Chicken, I could have done it during.) The third, I'm seeing tomorrow for a second date. Going to hear some Elizabethan Christmas music. I expect I'll have a good time, but if I don't feel some sexual chemistry with her, I'm going to call this one off, too. I'm having lunch with a fourth next week, but not expecting much, based on our phone conversations.
It's not that I'm never attracted to a woman in her 50's, but I certainly haven't felt it with anyone from eHarmony so far. Am I being unrealistic, expecting a sexual vibe early on with a woman in her 50's? I don't know.
Then there are women I've met at massage school. They tend to be in their 20's and 30's, although some are older, and even a few my age or more. I wouldn't think there was a chance for a relationship with one of these younger women. But I keep getting little clues that maybe there is:
I sent out e-mail invitations to my New Years open house at my new office. A 30-something student replied, saying she hopes to be able to stop by. She complimented me on my website (promoting my massage business--not this one!), and closed with her phone number. Sounds like she wants to stay in touch beyond school, no?
There's a younger woman, perhaps 25, who I got to know just a little at the tail end of school. She confided in me about her doubts about her boyfriend. I offered my perspective (wisdom?), and it seemed to resonate with her. Anyway, she told me she was coming to the open house, and then at graduation she sought me out, gave me a big hug, and told me how glad she was she had gotten to know me! I replied that it didn't have to end with graduation--felt good for avoiding getting tongue-tied. And that night I fantasized about licking her fine ass. That hug did make an impression!
And then there's my former teacher (third paragraph of this post). She's about 30, and is definitely interested in staying in touch.
It's entirely possible that all three of these young women have a professional interest in me, rather than a personal one. Most graduating students get jobs, rather than start businesses. So I stand out that way. Maybe they're coming to the open house just to get a feel for what it's like, starting a private practice. Maybe they're just a distraction, taking me away from women who would be more suitable as dominating partners. I really don't know.
So things are in flux, there are lots of opportunities. I'm not sure just what they're opportunities for, but I'm OK with that. I'm trying to stay open to possibilites, without pusing too hard.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Back on track
I don't handle disappointment very well. My last post described how E's polite but firm refusal to date me brought me down. I was clinging to the hope of a particular outcome with E, and I suffered when I didn't get it. Ah, but I cannot find happiness in an imagined future. I can only be happy in present reality. I know this, but I don't always live it.
I am pleased to report that I have recovered my usual optimistic, joyful mode of living. And I did it by expressing my submissive nature.
I went furniture shopping today with the woman I'll be sharing a massage room with. We had talked about what we needed to furnish the room. I had offered up my massage table, and a stool, chair, and bookcase. This wasn't really an act of generosity, as I wanted to get them out of my house, anyway. We also needed a wardrobe, some lights, a space heater, and a few small things. Today we went to a furniture store to find a wardrobe, the largest piece we needed. I brought up how to pay for things. I'm aware that A has limited financial resources compared to me. So I offered to buy the wardrobe. I asked A if she would be able to get some of the smaller things, and she said she would. So I wasn't carrying the whole load, but clearly more than half. A was pleased and grateful. I told her that I was glad to help her get started in her practice.
I wasn't flirting, or trying to get on A's good side so I could get somewhere with her. I don't feel any sexual energy between us, and I think there's zero chance of us having a relationship, femdom or not. But my desire to help A was clearly gender-based.
Paying for the wardrobe felt very right. And A's ready acceptance of this difference in our roles lifted my spirits. I enjoy serving women, and hope to find a woman to serve in the context of an intimate relationship. But even without the relationship, it was wonderful to have this opportunity to put a woman's needs ahead of mine.
I am pleased to report that I have recovered my usual optimistic, joyful mode of living. And I did it by expressing my submissive nature.
I went furniture shopping today with the woman I'll be sharing a massage room with. We had talked about what we needed to furnish the room. I had offered up my massage table, and a stool, chair, and bookcase. This wasn't really an act of generosity, as I wanted to get them out of my house, anyway. We also needed a wardrobe, some lights, a space heater, and a few small things. Today we went to a furniture store to find a wardrobe, the largest piece we needed. I brought up how to pay for things. I'm aware that A has limited financial resources compared to me. So I offered to buy the wardrobe. I asked A if she would be able to get some of the smaller things, and she said she would. So I wasn't carrying the whole load, but clearly more than half. A was pleased and grateful. I told her that I was glad to help her get started in her practice.
I wasn't flirting, or trying to get on A's good side so I could get somewhere with her. I don't feel any sexual energy between us, and I think there's zero chance of us having a relationship, femdom or not. But my desire to help A was clearly gender-based.
Paying for the wardrobe felt very right. And A's ready acceptance of this difference in our roles lifted my spirits. I enjoy serving women, and hope to find a woman to serve in the context of an intimate relationship. But even without the relationship, it was wonderful to have this opportunity to put a woman's needs ahead of mine.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Feeling down
I talked with E by phone today. (My last entry about E is here, and it has links to earlier ones.) She sounded upbeat, and thanked me for help with her assignment. I asked her out. She thanked me, but then said, in a friendly tone, "You've got to stop asking me out." She explained that she just likes to hang out at home on the weekend. She's so busy, working full-time and going to school, too, I can understand. I think she just doesn't want to add dating into her busy life. Goodness knows, I've felt that way sometimes while going to school.
I don't like it, though. The thought of all this flirting not leading to anything is depressing me.
Oh, it was a pleasant call. We had our usual animated conversation, with a little teasing. E assured me she's open to lunch, and I said we'd do that in the new year. I'm going to give it a rest for a while. Reluctantly.
Then tonight I had a first date with a woman I met at an online dating service. I like her, but I'm not feeling any sexual attraction. I'm going to give us another chance--I don't want to rush to the conclusion that there will never be sparks--but I'm not hopeful.
And there's my teacher, now my ex-teacher, fortunately. She wants to stay in touch, that's clear. I expect to ask her out, but not until after my open house, and that's tentatively set for New Years Day. Nearly three weeks away.
Not much cooking, and I'm feeling down. It will pass, I'm sure, but it's where I am right now.
I don't like it, though. The thought of all this flirting not leading to anything is depressing me.
Oh, it was a pleasant call. We had our usual animated conversation, with a little teasing. E assured me she's open to lunch, and I said we'd do that in the new year. I'm going to give it a rest for a while. Reluctantly.
Then tonight I had a first date with a woman I met at an online dating service. I like her, but I'm not feeling any sexual attraction. I'm going to give us another chance--I don't want to rush to the conclusion that there will never be sparks--but I'm not hopeful.
And there's my teacher, now my ex-teacher, fortunately. She wants to stay in touch, that's clear. I expect to ask her out, but not until after my open house, and that's tentatively set for New Years Day. Nearly three weeks away.
Not much cooking, and I'm feeling down. It will pass, I'm sure, but it's where I am right now.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
My sexy auditor
I work in IT for a large corporation. We've got internal auditors, whose job it is to check up on how we're doing things. What steps we're taking to secure our data, in particular. When an auditor wants to know something, or to see evidence that we're really following the procedure manual, we're to cooperate fully. That's a standing order from management. Auditors write up their findings, and they get visibility up through several layers of management. If they want something changed, it's likely to become a high-priority task for me. If they find much to ding me for, it's likely to show up in my performance review. These people have a lot of power.
I had my work audited last month by a very sexy auditor. M is just a few years out of college, has a petite figure with nice curves, and she likes to dress sexy. Soft, tight sweater with a plunging neckline, revealing the roundness of her firm breasts just occasionally. Tight skirt, definitely above the knee. Little strappy heels in summer, showing off her nicely pedicured toenails. And at her recent visit, tall black boots. Mmmm-hmmm, this woman has certainly got my attention, and not just because my manager says to give her what she wants.
I've fantasized about offering myself up to M as her footslave, but that desire is best left unspoken, I think. It could put her in an awkward position, having a social relationship with someone whose work she was reviewing. (Does footslave count as a social relationship? Maybe we'd have an out...)
Three times in a week M came to my cube. I greeted her warmly and solicitously fetched her a chair. She asked her questions, and I found the answers online, saving them off to a file for her. Our conversation was polite and professional, but my eyes were roaming some, and my brain, too.
I wonder if M has any idea of the effect she has on me, or men in general. I wanted to satisfy M's every desire, and I chanelled that into our working relationship. After I knew what she was looking for, I worked ahead before her final visit, so she wouldn't have to sit while I poked around on the system. I wanted to do what I could to make her job easier, even though it meant I would have less time with her.
M's findings were pretty favorable. A few things to clean up, but overall a positive report. I'm not waiting for my manager to tell me the cleanup is high priority, I'm doing it for M. I want her to be seen as effective in her job--she writes something up, and it gets resolved.
I think M is just one example, out of millions, of the power women are acquiring in the workplace. And without sacrificing her femininty, and all the power that it carries.
I hope M comes back soon, with more probing questions. I'm glad to jump for her.
I had my work audited last month by a very sexy auditor. M is just a few years out of college, has a petite figure with nice curves, and she likes to dress sexy. Soft, tight sweater with a plunging neckline, revealing the roundness of her firm breasts just occasionally. Tight skirt, definitely above the knee. Little strappy heels in summer, showing off her nicely pedicured toenails. And at her recent visit, tall black boots. Mmmm-hmmm, this woman has certainly got my attention, and not just because my manager says to give her what she wants.
I've fantasized about offering myself up to M as her footslave, but that desire is best left unspoken, I think. It could put her in an awkward position, having a social relationship with someone whose work she was reviewing. (Does footslave count as a social relationship? Maybe we'd have an out...)
Three times in a week M came to my cube. I greeted her warmly and solicitously fetched her a chair. She asked her questions, and I found the answers online, saving them off to a file for her. Our conversation was polite and professional, but my eyes were roaming some, and my brain, too.
I wonder if M has any idea of the effect she has on me, or men in general. I wanted to satisfy M's every desire, and I chanelled that into our working relationship. After I knew what she was looking for, I worked ahead before her final visit, so she wouldn't have to sit while I poked around on the system. I wanted to do what I could to make her job easier, even though it meant I would have less time with her.
M's findings were pretty favorable. A few things to clean up, but overall a positive report. I'm not waiting for my manager to tell me the cleanup is high priority, I'm doing it for M. I want her to be seen as effective in her job--she writes something up, and it gets resolved.
I think M is just one example, out of millions, of the power women are acquiring in the workplace. And without sacrificing her femininty, and all the power that it carries.
I hope M comes back soon, with more probing questions. I'm glad to jump for her.
Friday, December 8, 2006
subboy speaks: "I enjoy serving women."
Twelve people were listening intently when I spoke those words. The setting was the final meeting of my business class at massage school. We each did a presentation of our business plan. I volunteered to go first. I had decided I was going to be this direct, I felt good about it, and I wanted to get those words out in public. I got to the part about my target markets. The first was professional women. Professional, because they are more able to afford massage, and women for two reasons. First, women are more open to massage and second, "I enjoy serving women. I have a stronger emotional reaction, I get more fulfillment when I give a woman a massage." I was only slightly nervous. I looked around the circle, spoke very directly to my classmates and the teacher. It felt very good.
This is quite a change in two weeks, from the time I only wished I'd spoken these words. I am becoming more comfortable with my submissiveness, and more confident about it. And I believe that as I reveal myself to the universe, the universe will respond.
And perhaps it already is. The teacher of this class is an attractive woman. She's confident and accomplished, and told us many stories about starting her own successful private practice. Quite the role model for us. And I really enjoyed paying attention to her, because she also has the body type that I find most attractive--tall and curvy. Anyway, before class she was telling me how excited (!) she is for me and woman I'll be sharing space with. I think we remind her of herself, years ago. Then after class she asked if I was going to invite her to our open house. I had idly thought it might be a good idea to have one, and now it became obvious. So I confered with my partner, and we quickly decided to have one, and invited the teacher. I just love how forward the teacher was about this, asking to be invited. I'm attracted to decisive, assertive women, and here was one asserting that she wanted to socialize with me. This is cool, very cool.
And I repeat that writing this blog has been very helpful. The practice keeps submission in my mind. And what is in the mind can become reality.
This is quite a change in two weeks, from the time I only wished I'd spoken these words. I am becoming more comfortable with my submissiveness, and more confident about it. And I believe that as I reveal myself to the universe, the universe will respond.
And perhaps it already is. The teacher of this class is an attractive woman. She's confident and accomplished, and told us many stories about starting her own successful private practice. Quite the role model for us. And I really enjoyed paying attention to her, because she also has the body type that I find most attractive--tall and curvy. Anyway, before class she was telling me how excited (!) she is for me and woman I'll be sharing space with. I think we remind her of herself, years ago. Then after class she asked if I was going to invite her to our open house. I had idly thought it might be a good idea to have one, and now it became obvious. So I confered with my partner, and we quickly decided to have one, and invited the teacher. I just love how forward the teacher was about this, asking to be invited. I'm attracted to decisive, assertive women, and here was one asserting that she wanted to socialize with me. This is cool, very cool.
And I repeat that writing this blog has been very helpful. The practice keeps submission in my mind. And what is in the mind can become reality.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Planting seeds with E
I had a most enjoyable lunch with E today. (My history with E, such as it is, is presented here, and my intention about today’s conversation here.)
We met at a buffet place and talked so much it took us nearly two hours to have lunch. Two delightful hours. We talked about school, mostly. E is a student at the same massage school that I’m about to graduate from. She’s got a ways to go, and was interested in my experience with the parts she hasn’t gotten to yet.
Instead of asking if I could date her, I asked her out for a specific event this weekend. Phrased it as, “I’m thinking of going and I don’t want to go alone, would you like to go with me?” I thought this was a little less forward, and would give her the opportunity to think of it as a friendly thing to do, rather than a date laden with sexual overtones. She said she was interested, but would have to think about it.
Half an hour later she told me she was going to decline my offer, explaining she was going to be busy writing a paper for school. She had already talked about this particular assignment, and how she was feeling under the gun. So it made sense. And E thanked me for my offer, rather than saying no, she wasn’t interested in dating. Then our conversation flowed something like this:
sb: Well is there something I could do for you, to free up your time, so you can just concentrate on the paper? (I didn’t present this as “so you can get it done and go out with me, too.” It was just an offer to help her.)
E: I don’t think so. I mean, I’ll be going to the gym, you can’t do that for me. And I’ll be doing laundry, you can’t do that for me.
sb: Yes, I could do your laundry.
E: Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that.
sb: It’s a serious offer, E. Or if there’s something I could do around your house, some project, or run some errands, or clean your gutters…
E: Be careful, you might regret this. (Laughs.)
sb: I’d like to find out. (grins)
I told E how seeing her was the highlight of my day, and my week, and how she contributed so much to my life, I just wanted to do something nice for her in return. I repeated my offer, extending the timeline beyond this weekend. It was all true, all heartfelt. E thanked me, and said I was very sweet.
I offered to send E my paper from that same assignment, and she seemed genuinely pleased. Not that she’ll copy it, but just having an example could help her get unstuck.
E let me pay for lunch, which pleased me. And when the cashier wished us a good day, I said, “Any day I get to see E is a good day.”
So, no date, but I am feeling very hopeful. The door seems slightly open, and not just to the possibility of a date. I made an offer of service, and E found that touching.
All these hours later, I’m still glowing.
We met at a buffet place and talked so much it took us nearly two hours to have lunch. Two delightful hours. We talked about school, mostly. E is a student at the same massage school that I’m about to graduate from. She’s got a ways to go, and was interested in my experience with the parts she hasn’t gotten to yet.
Instead of asking if I could date her, I asked her out for a specific event this weekend. Phrased it as, “I’m thinking of going and I don’t want to go alone, would you like to go with me?” I thought this was a little less forward, and would give her the opportunity to think of it as a friendly thing to do, rather than a date laden with sexual overtones. She said she was interested, but would have to think about it.
Half an hour later she told me she was going to decline my offer, explaining she was going to be busy writing a paper for school. She had already talked about this particular assignment, and how she was feeling under the gun. So it made sense. And E thanked me for my offer, rather than saying no, she wasn’t interested in dating. Then our conversation flowed something like this:
sb: Well is there something I could do for you, to free up your time, so you can just concentrate on the paper? (I didn’t present this as “so you can get it done and go out with me, too.” It was just an offer to help her.)
E: I don’t think so. I mean, I’ll be going to the gym, you can’t do that for me. And I’ll be doing laundry, you can’t do that for me.
sb: Yes, I could do your laundry.
E: Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that.
sb: It’s a serious offer, E. Or if there’s something I could do around your house, some project, or run some errands, or clean your gutters…
E: Be careful, you might regret this. (Laughs.)
sb: I’d like to find out. (grins)
I told E how seeing her was the highlight of my day, and my week, and how she contributed so much to my life, I just wanted to do something nice for her in return. I repeated my offer, extending the timeline beyond this weekend. It was all true, all heartfelt. E thanked me, and said I was very sweet.
I offered to send E my paper from that same assignment, and she seemed genuinely pleased. Not that she’ll copy it, but just having an example could help her get unstuck.
E let me pay for lunch, which pleased me. And when the cashier wished us a good day, I said, “Any day I get to see E is a good day.”
So, no date, but I am feeling very hopeful. The door seems slightly open, and not just to the possibility of a date. I made an offer of service, and E found that touching.
All these hours later, I’m still glowing.
Monday, December 4, 2006
My unused calling card
I'm trying to be open to the possibility that I might meet the woman who will become my dominating life partner in an unexpected way, just in the course of day-to-day life. Perhaps a woman I see on the street will catch my eye, and I will be able to catch hers. I do enjoy watching women walk, particularly women who stride with confidence, comfortable in their bodies and aware of their attractiveness. Add some flattering clothes, perhaps some serious boots, and I can be instantly smitten.
Several times I have caught the eye of such a woman as she walked by and shared my reaction with her. A smile and a nod, perhaps a hand to my chest, acknowledging that my heart had skipped a beat. She smiled at my reaction and walked on.
I want to be bold enough to speak to her, to tell her that she is gorgeous, and to thank her for brightening my day with her presence. I want to ask her if I could return the favor by doing something for her, to make her day a bit easier, or more fun. Could I carry a package, run an errand, get her a cab? I want to make an open-ended offer to her--doesn't have to be something right now. If she thinks of something days later, she could call me. So I carry with me some calling cards that I had made up.
Service with a Smile
My full name
My cell phone number
There's a picture of a cup of coffee, a symbol of hospitality and service.
I've carried these cards for over a year. I haven't given one out yet. I'm shy, and this does seem very forward. I worry that it might seem too weird, or threatening. I don't want to cause any woman discomfort.
I'm not even sure that giving the card is a good idea. If I can't engage in the conversation, and get her interest that way, the card would be pointless. So first, I have to take the step of speaking up, of telling a woman how impressed I am. Not just with a smile and a gesture, but with words. It's great to notice confident and attractive women on the street, but I want more. And the next step is up to me.
I can do this.
Several times I have caught the eye of such a woman as she walked by and shared my reaction with her. A smile and a nod, perhaps a hand to my chest, acknowledging that my heart had skipped a beat. She smiled at my reaction and walked on.
I want to be bold enough to speak to her, to tell her that she is gorgeous, and to thank her for brightening my day with her presence. I want to ask her if I could return the favor by doing something for her, to make her day a bit easier, or more fun. Could I carry a package, run an errand, get her a cab? I want to make an open-ended offer to her--doesn't have to be something right now. If she thinks of something days later, she could call me. So I carry with me some calling cards that I had made up.
Service with a Smile
My full name
My cell phone number
There's a picture of a cup of coffee, a symbol of hospitality and service.
I've carried these cards for over a year. I haven't given one out yet. I'm shy, and this does seem very forward. I worry that it might seem too weird, or threatening. I don't want to cause any woman discomfort.
I'm not even sure that giving the card is a good idea. If I can't engage in the conversation, and get her interest that way, the card would be pointless. So first, I have to take the step of speaking up, of telling a woman how impressed I am. Not just with a smile and a gesture, but with words. It's great to notice confident and attractive women on the street, but I want more. And the next step is up to me.
I can do this.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
On being seen and known
Here at the tail end of massage school I'm taking a class where they have us prepare business plans and marketing materials, and this week we had show and tell with mock-ups of business cards. Mine was pretty close to what it's actually going to be, with my sub-tenancy address on it. I like it pretty well. Heck, I enjoy just looking at it, I can be that self-absorbed. But I was wondering if anyone else would like it. It's not at all dramatic visually, like some other people's. Lots of black text on a white background, just one small graphic and not much color. But there's a woman in class who seems quite intuitive, and her immediate reaction was, "I like it. It's so you!" And I felt that she knew me and understood me, and it felt very good.
This desire to be known and understood runs deep in me. And being seen is a close corollary.
I am an exhibitionist. Years past, I sometimes practiced this in inappropriate ways. More recently, I've found acceptable outlets. In the BDSM community, I enjoyed being dominated while nude at parties. I got to display my body to the crowd, and my submissiveness, too. And now I occasionally work as a nude model for art classes and coops. This isn't so over-the-top as getting flogged while naked in a room full of people, but it does feed my spirit. I really enjoy being nude and having a roomful of people looking at me. Looking quite intently, in the case of artists. As the model, I am objectified, and I like that. This wouldn't do anything for me if the artists were all men, but that's never been the case. The classes are usually about evenly divided, or have more women. And I particularly enjoy it that I am nude and the women are clothed. This carries a distinction in status, even though it's not overly femdom.
I intend to carry my longing into a femdom relationship. A woman who really knows me will be able to use that knowledge to push my buttons, and train me to serve her. To our mutual delight.
This desire to be known and understood runs deep in me. And being seen is a close corollary.
I am an exhibitionist. Years past, I sometimes practiced this in inappropriate ways. More recently, I've found acceptable outlets. In the BDSM community, I enjoyed being dominated while nude at parties. I got to display my body to the crowd, and my submissiveness, too. And now I occasionally work as a nude model for art classes and coops. This isn't so over-the-top as getting flogged while naked in a room full of people, but it does feed my spirit. I really enjoy being nude and having a roomful of people looking at me. Looking quite intently, in the case of artists. As the model, I am objectified, and I like that. This wouldn't do anything for me if the artists were all men, but that's never been the case. The classes are usually about evenly divided, or have more women. And I particularly enjoy it that I am nude and the women are clothed. This carries a distinction in status, even though it's not overly femdom.
I intend to carry my longing into a femdom relationship. A woman who really knows me will be able to use that knowledge to push my buttons, and train me to serve her. To our mutual delight.
Friday, December 1, 2006
E called me
E called me at work yesterday, to set up a lunch date. (Read about my fascination with E here.) I was very pleased to hear from her, and I made sure I told her that. There was this animated quality to her voice, that I took to mean she was enjoying our brief conversation, too. Well, I think that's part of her persona, that she has a lively, attentive interest in things. I also like to think this quality rises when we talk. And just in setting the date and time (the place is always the same), we teased each other a bit. It felt good. I didn't care what my co-workers heard, I wasn't going to forego an opportunity to flirt with E.
So next Tuesday we'll have an hour or more together, to get caught up and flirt some more. I'll compliment her and I'll tell her I want to date her. And if she's not interested in dating, I'll follow up with something like, "I'm really attracted to you, E, and that motivates me to want to do something nice for you, to make your life a little easier. You bring such joy to my life, I just want to do something nice for you." I'll offer to do errands or housework, just to lighten her load. Nothing too personal.
And regardless of her response, I will be glad that I declared myself.
So next Tuesday we'll have an hour or more together, to get caught up and flirt some more. I'll compliment her and I'll tell her I want to date her. And if she's not interested in dating, I'll follow up with something like, "I'm really attracted to you, E, and that motivates me to want to do something nice for you, to make your life a little easier. You bring such joy to my life, I just want to do something nice for you." I'll offer to do errands or housework, just to lighten her load. Nothing too personal.
And regardless of her response, I will be glad that I declared myself.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
The Swarm
So, no response to my ad on craigslist, nada, zilch. And at this point it seems unlikely, as I've been pushed off the first page by the swarm of newer ads, ads from men looking to meet women for
discreet fun,
sex in public,
making videos,
stimulating chat,
filling their honey pot,
clever conversation,
long slow foreplay,
oral or just a quickie,
rimming,
talking dirty,
casual fun,
erotic massage,
getting peed on,
wrestling,
a threesome,
getting naked on cam,
toys,
snuggling,
getting squirted on,
an evening of pleasure,
the best sex you can get on a Tuesday night (yes, written on Wednesday. Anyone interested in some day-old sex?),
fun,
walking in the woods,
ruthless fucking,
a lunchtime fuck buddy,
oral satisfaction,
some action,
a Goddess to worship,
making out in public,
some adventure,
following orders,
a bondage partner,
no-strings booty,
good clean fun,
spanking,
face-sitting,
ass play,
panties,
frisky activity,
taco of the pink variety,
hungry kisses,
multiple O's,
at least 2 orgasms by mouth,
satisfying priordial urges,
taking their mind off their life,
phone sex,
flirting,
and even friendship.
It's exhausting, just reading them, just looking at them, just thinking about all that testosterone. What sort of impression does this make on women, and how many women even bother to look? Let alone reply. In yesterday's ads in my locality, men out-numbered women by more than 50:1, I kid you not. I wonder what sort of response those few women get. Probably something like the list above, replete with cheesy promises, bad spelling, and cock shots. Such is the company I keep. Oh, what was I thinking? And did my earnest, carefully-crafted ad come off as pathetic, or just silly? Maybe it's best that no one replied.
This disparity in the number of ads does illustrate the point that men want women far more than women want men. And this difference is what makes femdom possible. As one Domme put it, "He needs everything I have, but he doesn't have anything I want." Best start jumping through hoops, boy, if you hope to get any.
And the disparity in numbers exists within the kink community, too. It's generally acknowledged that there are far more submissive men than dominant women. Many submissive men are submissive in inclination only, and never find a partner to try things out with. And some never even give voice to their desire. I do feel fortunate that in my time in the local BDSM community I found a number of compatible women to play with. I eventually came to think of myself as a successful sub, just for being able to connect. I think I was successful because I took the time to get to know people, was respectful, and above all, avoided getting pushy. These are qualities that I can practice in person, far better than I can on the internet, among the swarm.
discreet fun,
sex in public,
making videos,
stimulating chat,
filling their honey pot,
clever conversation,
long slow foreplay,
oral or just a quickie,
rimming,
talking dirty,
casual fun,
erotic massage,
getting peed on,
wrestling,
a threesome,
getting naked on cam,
toys,
snuggling,
getting squirted on,
an evening of pleasure,
the best sex you can get on a Tuesday night (yes, written on Wednesday. Anyone interested in some day-old sex?),
fun,
walking in the woods,
ruthless fucking,
a lunchtime fuck buddy,
oral satisfaction,
some action,
a Goddess to worship,
making out in public,
some adventure,
following orders,
a bondage partner,
no-strings booty,
good clean fun,
spanking,
face-sitting,
ass play,
panties,
frisky activity,
taco of the pink variety,
hungry kisses,
multiple O's,
at least 2 orgasms by mouth,
satisfying priordial urges,
taking their mind off their life,
phone sex,
flirting,
and even friendship.
It's exhausting, just reading them, just looking at them, just thinking about all that testosterone. What sort of impression does this make on women, and how many women even bother to look? Let alone reply. In yesterday's ads in my locality, men out-numbered women by more than 50:1, I kid you not. I wonder what sort of response those few women get. Probably something like the list above, replete with cheesy promises, bad spelling, and cock shots. Such is the company I keep. Oh, what was I thinking? And did my earnest, carefully-crafted ad come off as pathetic, or just silly? Maybe it's best that no one replied.
This disparity in the number of ads does illustrate the point that men want women far more than women want men. And this difference is what makes femdom possible. As one Domme put it, "He needs everything I have, but he doesn't have anything I want." Best start jumping through hoops, boy, if you hope to get any.
And the disparity in numbers exists within the kink community, too. It's generally acknowledged that there are far more submissive men than dominant women. Many submissive men are submissive in inclination only, and never find a partner to try things out with. And some never even give voice to their desire. I do feel fortunate that in my time in the local BDSM community I found a number of compatible women to play with. I eventually came to think of myself as a successful sub, just for being able to connect. I think I was successful because I took the time to get to know people, was respectful, and above all, avoided getting pushy. These are qualities that I can practice in person, far better than I can on the internet, among the swarm.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Off in a different direction...
I had a pleasant lunch with C today and about 10 minutes into the conversation she used the phrase "my fiance" and I realized that lunch was just a friendly thing to do with a co-worker and all those smiles I took for flirting were just C being friendly. She doesn't wear a ring. I decided to not reveal that I had been hoping to date her, I just didn't want to muddy the water. Lunch was pleasant, nonetheless, and possibly even profitable. C knew about massage school, and wanted to know about my plans after graduation. She even wanted my card, which I don't have yet, to give out to her friends. She told me she thought I'd do well as a massage therapist because I'm friendly and open. Cool.
So, what next? E has not called, and even if she does it will probably be as a friend. (Read about E here.) I've been exchanging e-mail with some women through an online dating service, but it's slow going. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of even a coffee date with any of them. So I decided to go off in a different direction, and pursue a fantasy that has recently been occupying a significant part of my consciousness.
I posted an ad on craigslist, offering no-strings oral sex, no reciprocation required.
So, what next? E has not called, and even if she does it will probably be as a friend. (Read about E here.) I've been exchanging e-mail with some women through an online dating service, but it's slow going. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of even a coffee date with any of them. So I decided to go off in a different direction, and pursue a fantasy that has recently been occupying a significant part of my consciousness.
I posted an ad on craigslist, offering no-strings oral sex, no reciprocation required.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I asked C out to lunch...
…and she said yes! She smiled nicely, seemed genuinely pleased. My Tension in Throat index was only 5 on a scale of 10. Tight, but not croaking. I was proud of myself.
C and I work for the same large corporation. I’ve been slightly aware of her since she started last year. We’d occasionally both be at one of those 15-person meetings that mostly wastes people’s time, but it’s not like we really worked on anything together or got acquainted. A few months ago I was moved to a cube on C’s floor. Not in sight of her, but I see her in passing more often. And I realized 1) she is a fine-looking woman, and 2) she often gave me a very nice smile. OK, I’m not a very natural flirt, but it did eventually occur to me that she might be flirting with me, and might welcome an overture. Then I went through a period of wondering if I had any chance, because she appears to be, I’m not kidding, about 20 years younger than me. I recently got past that, and decided that yes, I was going to ask C out. As reported here.
I stalked C just a bit, going out of my way to go down the aisle nearest her cube several times a day. She usually wasn’t there. This afternoon she was, and the adjacent cubes were all empty. The best moment imaginable, the closest I was going to get to privacy. I walked right up, and with no small talk at all I popped the question. C said yes, she’d like to. And soon we had a plan, for tomorrow! Just lunch in the company cafeteria, but it might be a start. I think by tomorrow afternoon I’ll have a good idea if my next step is going to be to get closer to C, or go off in a different direction. And taking steps is a good thing to do.
Writing this blog is making me bolder. I declared my intention to ask C out, and that made it easier to do. I’ve declared my intention to find a femdom relationship, and that makes it more likely.
C and I work for the same large corporation. I’ve been slightly aware of her since she started last year. We’d occasionally both be at one of those 15-person meetings that mostly wastes people’s time, but it’s not like we really worked on anything together or got acquainted. A few months ago I was moved to a cube on C’s floor. Not in sight of her, but I see her in passing more often. And I realized 1) she is a fine-looking woman, and 2) she often gave me a very nice smile. OK, I’m not a very natural flirt, but it did eventually occur to me that she might be flirting with me, and might welcome an overture. Then I went through a period of wondering if I had any chance, because she appears to be, I’m not kidding, about 20 years younger than me. I recently got past that, and decided that yes, I was going to ask C out. As reported here.
I stalked C just a bit, going out of my way to go down the aisle nearest her cube several times a day. She usually wasn’t there. This afternoon she was, and the adjacent cubes were all empty. The best moment imaginable, the closest I was going to get to privacy. I walked right up, and with no small talk at all I popped the question. C said yes, she’d like to. And soon we had a plan, for tomorrow! Just lunch in the company cafeteria, but it might be a start. I think by tomorrow afternoon I’ll have a good idea if my next step is going to be to get closer to C, or go off in a different direction. And taking steps is a good thing to do.
Writing this blog is making me bolder. I declared my intention to ask C out, and that made it easier to do. I’ve declared my intention to find a femdom relationship, and that makes it more likely.
Monday, November 27, 2006
I become a sub-tenant
I’m about to graduate from massage school, and I’ve leased office space to set up a private practice. Sub-leased, actually. From a confident, assertive, sexy woman. D works in a related field. But her line of work carries more responsibility, authority, and status than mine, and I’m sure she makes a good deal more money than I will. She has a successful private practice that she recently moved to an office building near where I live. She leased more space than she needed, and had two spare rooms available. I’m sub-leasing one of the rooms, and will share it with another graduating student, who is also a woman. D tells me the other room is going to another woman practitioner in a related field, so I’ll be the only man in the office. Maybe I’ll find some menial work to do around the office, to support the women in their professional work.
D is about 40, trim and energetic. She’s not conventionally pretty, but she does have a very nice, shapely body, and she dresses somewhat provocatively. Her nipples push visibly against her sweater, and several times I’ve caught a glimpse of her tiny panties peeking out at the back of her low-rise slacks. Ooh, I can’t think of her only as a professional.
D has a boyfriend who seems eager to serve her. One day when I was over at her office she was having trouble with her computer. She called up her bf and described the problem. When he didn’t have an instant fix she got impatient and ended the call, saying don’t worry about it. But ten minutes later he showed up, to see what he could do in person. Was that sweet submission, or what?
It took about four in-person meetings to negotiate the sub-lease. Mid-process, I had a shift in attitude. I started out focusing on protecting my interests. I thought of particular clauses I wanted inserted into the sub-lease, and how to word them. This was slowing things down, and I could tell it was causing D some frustration. Then I realized that I really did want the space, even if everything wasn’t air-tight legally. And I was concerned if I insisted too much, D might find someone else to rent to. So I shifted my focus to getting the deal done. I went out of my way to make it easier for D—literally. Early on I’d asked her to mail me the next draft. She didn’t, and I ended up going to her office every time. Once she called 30 minutes before our appointment and said she was delayed, and she would call me when she was available. She called four hours later, and I left work right away to meet her. I agreed to language she preferred. I accepted her verbal assurances on some points, then signed the document acknowledging that I was not relying on any verbal assurances. I decided to trust that things were going to be all right. And I felt good about it.
There is a lot of asymmetry in being a sub-tenant:
I am bound (oh, delicious phrase!) by the terms of D’s lease with the building owner, even though I wasn’t able to negotiate any of it. It was a take-it-or-leave it deal. I took it, smiling and saying “thank you.” D gave me a copy of the lease. There were heavy black lines obscuring the parts that specified her rent. This is fair. I don’t need to know that detail of her arrangement. I am sure she is marking up the space I’m sub-leasing, on a per-square-foot basis. She knows how much, and I don’t, and that’s just the way it is. She had the initiative, the capital, and the successful practice to support this move, and I am dependent on her. And I appreciate her leadership, real-estate-wise.
I’m not allowed to talk to the building management. If I have any concerns about the space, I have to talk to D, who will talk to them.
As tenant, D gets a sign on the door, gratis. I can get a sign, but I have to pay for it. So I asked D to order a sign for me, promising to repay her. She graciously agreed. I don’t even know what it’s going to cost me. But I didn’t want to trouble D to have to ask the cost, report back to me, and then order the sign. She is a busy woman, with many clients. This sub-male sub-tenant would rather conduct business in the dark than ask D to do something extra.
While negotiating, D asked if I was OK with staying out of her treatment room, describing it as “sacred space”. I agreed. Then she asked if it would to be OK for her to come into my room. It has the only sink in the suite, and she might need to use it. Not while I have a client, certainly, but perhaps at other times. I agreed. No matter how infrequently she uses that sink, the distinction has been drawn. She has sacred space, not to be defiled by me. I have the plumbing, and no privacy.
As we were wrapping up negotiations, D remarked, “You’re going to be my sub-tenant. That sounds so…” Her voice trailed off.
“Feudal?”, I suggested.
D smiled, and so did I.
D is about 40, trim and energetic. She’s not conventionally pretty, but she does have a very nice, shapely body, and she dresses somewhat provocatively. Her nipples push visibly against her sweater, and several times I’ve caught a glimpse of her tiny panties peeking out at the back of her low-rise slacks. Ooh, I can’t think of her only as a professional.
D has a boyfriend who seems eager to serve her. One day when I was over at her office she was having trouble with her computer. She called up her bf and described the problem. When he didn’t have an instant fix she got impatient and ended the call, saying don’t worry about it. But ten minutes later he showed up, to see what he could do in person. Was that sweet submission, or what?
It took about four in-person meetings to negotiate the sub-lease. Mid-process, I had a shift in attitude. I started out focusing on protecting my interests. I thought of particular clauses I wanted inserted into the sub-lease, and how to word them. This was slowing things down, and I could tell it was causing D some frustration. Then I realized that I really did want the space, even if everything wasn’t air-tight legally. And I was concerned if I insisted too much, D might find someone else to rent to. So I shifted my focus to getting the deal done. I went out of my way to make it easier for D—literally. Early on I’d asked her to mail me the next draft. She didn’t, and I ended up going to her office every time. Once she called 30 minutes before our appointment and said she was delayed, and she would call me when she was available. She called four hours later, and I left work right away to meet her. I agreed to language she preferred. I accepted her verbal assurances on some points, then signed the document acknowledging that I was not relying on any verbal assurances. I decided to trust that things were going to be all right. And I felt good about it.
There is a lot of asymmetry in being a sub-tenant:
I am bound (oh, delicious phrase!) by the terms of D’s lease with the building owner, even though I wasn’t able to negotiate any of it. It was a take-it-or-leave it deal. I took it, smiling and saying “thank you.” D gave me a copy of the lease. There were heavy black lines obscuring the parts that specified her rent. This is fair. I don’t need to know that detail of her arrangement. I am sure she is marking up the space I’m sub-leasing, on a per-square-foot basis. She knows how much, and I don’t, and that’s just the way it is. She had the initiative, the capital, and the successful practice to support this move, and I am dependent on her. And I appreciate her leadership, real-estate-wise.
I’m not allowed to talk to the building management. If I have any concerns about the space, I have to talk to D, who will talk to them.
As tenant, D gets a sign on the door, gratis. I can get a sign, but I have to pay for it. So I asked D to order a sign for me, promising to repay her. She graciously agreed. I don’t even know what it’s going to cost me. But I didn’t want to trouble D to have to ask the cost, report back to me, and then order the sign. She is a busy woman, with many clients. This sub-male sub-tenant would rather conduct business in the dark than ask D to do something extra.
While negotiating, D asked if I was OK with staying out of her treatment room, describing it as “sacred space”. I agreed. Then she asked if it would to be OK for her to come into my room. It has the only sink in the suite, and she might need to use it. Not while I have a client, certainly, but perhaps at other times. I agreed. No matter how infrequently she uses that sink, the distinction has been drawn. She has sacred space, not to be defiled by me. I have the plumbing, and no privacy.
As we were wrapping up negotiations, D remarked, “You’re going to be my sub-tenant. That sounds so…” Her voice trailed off.
“Feudal?”, I suggested.
D smiled, and so did I.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Speaking my truth? Not today
How sad. I had an opportunity today to reveal myself to a woman, just a little bit, as a submissive man. But I held back.
The back story: I'm studying to be a massage therapist. I really enjoy the work, for a lot of different reasons. It's a helping profession. It engages my body as well as my mind. It's sensuous. It can be meditative. I enjoy serving women, and most of my classmates and practice clients are women. And, something I don't say at school, I really enjoy touching naked (and near-naked) women. There's nothing sexual about it--I haven't once gotten aroused when giving a massage. But I really do enjoy it, and that's clearly driven by my submissive sexuality. I get to be in the servant role, working for her pleasure while she relaxes, with strict rules, ethical guidelines, and laws constraining my behavior.
Today I gave a fellow student a massage. She's 30-something, nice body, friendly, and she wanted work on her gluteal muscles. (Anatomy lesson: that's her ass.) She has a very nice ass, and she appreciated the rubbing, kneading, and pressing I did there. See why I like this work? Anyway, she was in a talkative mood, and at one point she asked if I preferred working on men or women. I dodged the question, just told her how I'd worked on far more women than men. Women are more open to getting massage than men, blah, blah, blah, change the subject.
Damn! I wish I'd told this simple truth:
"I prefer working on women. I enjoy serving women."
That's not kinky, it's not extreme, and I think it would have been an entirely appropriate answer. But I chickened out. Well, actually, I didn't make a decision to avoid saying these words. They didn't come to me. But I did get nervous about self-revelation, and I regret it.
Maybe tomorrow.
The back story: I'm studying to be a massage therapist. I really enjoy the work, for a lot of different reasons. It's a helping profession. It engages my body as well as my mind. It's sensuous. It can be meditative. I enjoy serving women, and most of my classmates and practice clients are women. And, something I don't say at school, I really enjoy touching naked (and near-naked) women. There's nothing sexual about it--I haven't once gotten aroused when giving a massage. But I really do enjoy it, and that's clearly driven by my submissive sexuality. I get to be in the servant role, working for her pleasure while she relaxes, with strict rules, ethical guidelines, and laws constraining my behavior.
Today I gave a fellow student a massage. She's 30-something, nice body, friendly, and she wanted work on her gluteal muscles. (Anatomy lesson: that's her ass.) She has a very nice ass, and she appreciated the rubbing, kneading, and pressing I did there. See why I like this work? Anyway, she was in a talkative mood, and at one point she asked if I preferred working on men or women. I dodged the question, just told her how I'd worked on far more women than men. Women are more open to getting massage than men, blah, blah, blah, change the subject.
Damn! I wish I'd told this simple truth:
"I prefer working on women. I enjoy serving women."
That's not kinky, it's not extreme, and I think it would have been an entirely appropriate answer. But I chickened out. Well, actually, I didn't make a decision to avoid saying these words. They didn't come to me. But I did get nervous about self-revelation, and I regret it.
Maybe tomorrow.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I've been flirting with E
There's this woman E I would really like to date. We did have lunch about a year ago, and had quite a lively conversation. We enjoy each other's company, and we tend to see things alike. But at the end of the lunch, just as we were parting, she told me she wasn't interested in dating. I was puzzled, because that lunch sure felt like a date. But she did say she was OK with having lunch occasionally. So we've done that, oh, maybe four lunches in a year. Keeping in touch, not much more than that.
I'm strongly attracted to E. Every time I see her I give her compliments on her appearance and her clothes. Genuine compliments, I really am taken with her. Every lunch I've asked her if she would like to date. The answer has always been "no", but delivered with a smile, like she's glad to know I want to.
I called E, oh, more than a month ago, and left a message suggesting lunch. She didn't return my call. But when I ran into her two weeks later she said she had been meaning to, and she wanted to have lunch, and she would call me. Hooray! But still no call. Then I ran into her again last week. She repeated that she wanted to have lunch, and said she'd call after Thanksgiving. I didn't dwell on her not calling. I was genuinely glad to see her and have a short conversation. We got caught up a little, and I told her how good she looked, and she smiled. As we parted she repeated that she would call me about lunch. As we walked away from each other I called out, "Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there." She laughed, and I enjoyed that.
So there's this dynamic where I'm putting myself out there, asking her about dating and giving her complements, over and over. She doesn't really respond, except to smile and laugh. And that's OK with me. Oh, sure, I'd rather she say yes, and really date me. But I'm glad to know that she enjoys my attention.
I don't know if there's any chance of a femdom relationship with E or not. It's not like I've got any direct evidence that there is. But we like each other, we share interests, and we enjoy each other's company, that's a great start. Oh, and I would be so motivated to please her, if she ever allowed me to get close. I'd like to give it a try. Even vanilla, I think it would be sweet.
Hello, E, are you listenting? Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I'm here for you if you want me...
I'm strongly attracted to E. Every time I see her I give her compliments on her appearance and her clothes. Genuine compliments, I really am taken with her. Every lunch I've asked her if she would like to date. The answer has always been "no", but delivered with a smile, like she's glad to know I want to.
I called E, oh, more than a month ago, and left a message suggesting lunch. She didn't return my call. But when I ran into her two weeks later she said she had been meaning to, and she wanted to have lunch, and she would call me. Hooray! But still no call. Then I ran into her again last week. She repeated that she wanted to have lunch, and said she'd call after Thanksgiving. I didn't dwell on her not calling. I was genuinely glad to see her and have a short conversation. We got caught up a little, and I told her how good she looked, and she smiled. As we parted she repeated that she would call me about lunch. As we walked away from each other I called out, "Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there." She laughed, and I enjoyed that.
So there's this dynamic where I'm putting myself out there, asking her about dating and giving her complements, over and over. She doesn't really respond, except to smile and laugh. And that's OK with me. Oh, sure, I'd rather she say yes, and really date me. But I'm glad to know that she enjoys my attention.
I don't know if there's any chance of a femdom relationship with E or not. It's not like I've got any direct evidence that there is. But we like each other, we share interests, and we enjoy each other's company, that's a great start. Oh, and I would be so motivated to please her, if she ever allowed me to get close. I'd like to give it a try. Even vanilla, I think it would be sweet.
Hello, E, are you listenting? Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I'm here for you if you want me...
Thursday, November 23, 2006
My last girlfriend, and my delusion
I thought my last relationship might develop into a femdom one. There certainly were some aspects that seemed to be working that way. In my mind, anyway.
K and I met through a mutual friend about a year ago. There was a pretty strong sexual chemistry between us. We flirted right away, then started dating. We enjoyed each other’s company in a lot of different ways—dinner, conversation, movies, nature walks. We fell quite naturally into the traditional courtship roles. I did almost all the driving and paid for nearly everything. And we both enjoyed it when I helped K with her coat and opened doors for her. This was quite a change for me. Most of the dating I’d done since my divorce (and even before my marriage) had been so consciously 50-50. With K I enjoyed the distinction in our roles.
And kissing, oh, did we enjoy kissing. Our early dates would end with some serious face time on her couch. I would press on, trying to put my hand here, or kiss her there, and she would set the limits. She clearly enjoyed my attention. I would tell her that I wanted more, but it was up to her just how far we went. If I was allowed to mouth her nipple though her bra, I would do so with gusto until she pushed me away. K got aroused, but she stayed in control. In control of herself, and in control of me. She did notice and approve of my erection, which I pressed against her through all our clothes. I enjoyed focusing on her pleasure, declaring and displaying my desire, and accepting her guidance.
It took us two months to get from first kiss to first nudity. Along the way I got to worship her feet. This started with a footrub, and then I kissed her toes. When she reacted well I licked and sucked her toes, and soon I was eagerly pressing my face into one sole and my still-clothed cock into the other. K described one particularly hot foot-worship session as, “the most fun I’ve ever had with my clothes on.” I beamed, so happy to have pleased her so well. And she was in no hurry to go any further, so we had more clothes-on fun the next time.
Eventually K decided to have sex with me. Our love-making included intercourse, and large doses of my tongue at her pussy, on her feet, and eventually up her anus. K never licked me any of these places. And K liked it that I shaved my genitals. She had a full bush. All this imbalance felt very right to me.
I also did some chores for K. I shoveled her walk several times, and picked her up from the airport. Nothing huge, but it was all one way. And when she thanked me, I always told her I was glad to help her.
This relationship was working very well for me as a submissive, even though we hadn’t talked about us in those terms.
Eventually we did. The impetus was K sharing some personal and potentially embarrassing information about herself. I was touched by her openness and trust, and I decided that I couldn’t continue being in stealth submission with her. Next date, I told her “how our relationship is working for me”. She listened and asked some questions, but it was clear she was taken aback by my confession. As my therapist later put it, she got weirded out.
We didn’t have sex that night. K wasn’t feeling well, so I took her home early. (She had told me she wasn’t feeling well before I unloaded on her. I regret that I didn’t choose the time more carefully. I was focusing on my desire to spill my gut, rather than her need to have a low-key, uneventful evening. I even told her I wanted to try bondage with her, and she just furrowed her brow.)
The next time I saw K she had more questions for me. In particular, would I be willing to see her therapist with her? (Yes, of course.) So I found out that I seemed unhealthy to her. She also told me she was going to have to think about whether she wanted to continue dating me, or not. And she refuted every single example of what I thought had been a D/s dynamic between us.
All my driving and paying and opening doors—that’s how it was with every man she dated. No 50-50 for her.
As for my oral attentions, she had no interest in sucking my toes or licking my ass, so that’s why it didn’t happen, and it didn’t mean anything beyond that. She might have gone down on me, but I’ve got genital herpes, and she was just being careful. She had made that limit clear before we got naked.
My shaving made it possible for me to improvise barriers for her protection during intercourse. I’d put large band-aids on the places near my penis where I sometimes get outbreaks. I’m not sure how effective this would have been if I had had an outbreak during our intimate times. But it was her protocol, so I complied and presented myself to her. But to K this was about herpes, not D/s.
And the chores? She appreciated my help, but there was no larger meaning for her.
The D/s aspects were entirely in my imagination. And once we talked about them, it ruined things for her. Next time I saw K, she broke up with me.
It ended badly. K was angry with me. She said it seemed like I was trying to break up with her, dumping all this stuff on her. And maybe I was. As I told my vanilla friends, I liked K and enjoyed her company and we had a lot of fun together, but I never felt like I was in love with her. So maybe I unconsciously pushed her, to either adopt my ways or be done. Maybe I knew that she’d never be the woman I really surrendered to, so I wanted to either get some more jollies (bondage), or cut my losses and move on.
I often doubt myself. And my relationship with K makes me wonder if I really do want to submit to a woman. But I’ve decided that the lessons are 1) K just wasn’t the right woman for me (and I certainly wasn’t the right man for her), 2) I need to be more careful about what I assume. More verbal would help, too. And 3) I need to be more considerate of the woman’s needs at all times, even when the conversation is about me.
I’m still trying, still learning, and still glad for the opportunity.
K and I met through a mutual friend about a year ago. There was a pretty strong sexual chemistry between us. We flirted right away, then started dating. We enjoyed each other’s company in a lot of different ways—dinner, conversation, movies, nature walks. We fell quite naturally into the traditional courtship roles. I did almost all the driving and paid for nearly everything. And we both enjoyed it when I helped K with her coat and opened doors for her. This was quite a change for me. Most of the dating I’d done since my divorce (and even before my marriage) had been so consciously 50-50. With K I enjoyed the distinction in our roles.
And kissing, oh, did we enjoy kissing. Our early dates would end with some serious face time on her couch. I would press on, trying to put my hand here, or kiss her there, and she would set the limits. She clearly enjoyed my attention. I would tell her that I wanted more, but it was up to her just how far we went. If I was allowed to mouth her nipple though her bra, I would do so with gusto until she pushed me away. K got aroused, but she stayed in control. In control of herself, and in control of me. She did notice and approve of my erection, which I pressed against her through all our clothes. I enjoyed focusing on her pleasure, declaring and displaying my desire, and accepting her guidance.
It took us two months to get from first kiss to first nudity. Along the way I got to worship her feet. This started with a footrub, and then I kissed her toes. When she reacted well I licked and sucked her toes, and soon I was eagerly pressing my face into one sole and my still-clothed cock into the other. K described one particularly hot foot-worship session as, “the most fun I’ve ever had with my clothes on.” I beamed, so happy to have pleased her so well. And she was in no hurry to go any further, so we had more clothes-on fun the next time.
Eventually K decided to have sex with me. Our love-making included intercourse, and large doses of my tongue at her pussy, on her feet, and eventually up her anus. K never licked me any of these places. And K liked it that I shaved my genitals. She had a full bush. All this imbalance felt very right to me.
I also did some chores for K. I shoveled her walk several times, and picked her up from the airport. Nothing huge, but it was all one way. And when she thanked me, I always told her I was glad to help her.
This relationship was working very well for me as a submissive, even though we hadn’t talked about us in those terms.
Eventually we did. The impetus was K sharing some personal and potentially embarrassing information about herself. I was touched by her openness and trust, and I decided that I couldn’t continue being in stealth submission with her. Next date, I told her “how our relationship is working for me”. She listened and asked some questions, but it was clear she was taken aback by my confession. As my therapist later put it, she got weirded out.
We didn’t have sex that night. K wasn’t feeling well, so I took her home early. (She had told me she wasn’t feeling well before I unloaded on her. I regret that I didn’t choose the time more carefully. I was focusing on my desire to spill my gut, rather than her need to have a low-key, uneventful evening. I even told her I wanted to try bondage with her, and she just furrowed her brow.)
The next time I saw K she had more questions for me. In particular, would I be willing to see her therapist with her? (Yes, of course.) So I found out that I seemed unhealthy to her. She also told me she was going to have to think about whether she wanted to continue dating me, or not. And she refuted every single example of what I thought had been a D/s dynamic between us.
All my driving and paying and opening doors—that’s how it was with every man she dated. No 50-50 for her.
As for my oral attentions, she had no interest in sucking my toes or licking my ass, so that’s why it didn’t happen, and it didn’t mean anything beyond that. She might have gone down on me, but I’ve got genital herpes, and she was just being careful. She had made that limit clear before we got naked.
My shaving made it possible for me to improvise barriers for her protection during intercourse. I’d put large band-aids on the places near my penis where I sometimes get outbreaks. I’m not sure how effective this would have been if I had had an outbreak during our intimate times. But it was her protocol, so I complied and presented myself to her. But to K this was about herpes, not D/s.
And the chores? She appreciated my help, but there was no larger meaning for her.
The D/s aspects were entirely in my imagination. And once we talked about them, it ruined things for her. Next time I saw K, she broke up with me.
It ended badly. K was angry with me. She said it seemed like I was trying to break up with her, dumping all this stuff on her. And maybe I was. As I told my vanilla friends, I liked K and enjoyed her company and we had a lot of fun together, but I never felt like I was in love with her. So maybe I unconsciously pushed her, to either adopt my ways or be done. Maybe I knew that she’d never be the woman I really surrendered to, so I wanted to either get some more jollies (bondage), or cut my losses and move on.
I often doubt myself. And my relationship with K makes me wonder if I really do want to submit to a woman. But I’ve decided that the lessons are 1) K just wasn’t the right woman for me (and I certainly wasn’t the right man for her), 2) I need to be more careful about what I assume. More verbal would help, too. And 3) I need to be more considerate of the woman’s needs at all times, even when the conversation is about me.
I’m still trying, still learning, and still glad for the opportunity.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Why a relationship?
I want to explain why I'm looking for a relationship, rather than just a woman to dominate me. I've had some very exciting and satisfying experiences being dominated by women. The local BDSM community was a wonderful place to meet women, get some mentoring, and play safely.
But I want more than play. I miss being in a loving relationship--the social aspects, the companionship, the intimate knowledge and acceptance of each other, and mutual devotion. I want to have that again. I think that my submission could really blossom in that environment. I particularly enjoy serving a woman who is appreciative of my efforts, and there would be loads of opportunity, I'm thinking.
Then there's the safety aspect. When I get into subspace I lose my good judgment, even my common sense. Several times during play scenes the Domme stopped the scene, saying I'd had enough. I hadn't safe-worded, or even called "yellow". I was always sad when the Domme stopped the scene. Later, I would realize that she had good reason--I was shaking, or my hands were getting cool from the bondage. She was watching out for my safety, even when I wasn't. I want to explore deeper submission, and to be safe I need to know that the woman I submit to really cares about me. And know she loves me, that would be even better. I've got control issues (why else would bondage be erotic?) and I'm sure it will be easier for me to cede control to a woman if I know she loves me.
I've thought about going back to the BDSM community. But at least for now I'm focusing on finding a woman to date, fall in love with, and submit to. I'm meeting women through an online dating site, I'm flirting with E, and I've decided that yes, I'm going to ask C out. I'm nervous about all this. Besides the familiar nervousness about asking for a date and getting shot down (a D/s interaction every man has experienced), I've got doubt about my ability to make this all work, to get to the land of thorns and honey. But I'm resolved to push forward, to put myself out there and see what unfolds.
I'll keep you posted.
But I want more than play. I miss being in a loving relationship--the social aspects, the companionship, the intimate knowledge and acceptance of each other, and mutual devotion. I want to have that again. I think that my submission could really blossom in that environment. I particularly enjoy serving a woman who is appreciative of my efforts, and there would be loads of opportunity, I'm thinking.
Then there's the safety aspect. When I get into subspace I lose my good judgment, even my common sense. Several times during play scenes the Domme stopped the scene, saying I'd had enough. I hadn't safe-worded, or even called "yellow". I was always sad when the Domme stopped the scene. Later, I would realize that she had good reason--I was shaking, or my hands were getting cool from the bondage. She was watching out for my safety, even when I wasn't. I want to explore deeper submission, and to be safe I need to know that the woman I submit to really cares about me. And know she loves me, that would be even better. I've got control issues (why else would bondage be erotic?) and I'm sure it will be easier for me to cede control to a woman if I know she loves me.
I've thought about going back to the BDSM community. But at least for now I'm focusing on finding a woman to date, fall in love with, and submit to. I'm meeting women through an online dating site, I'm flirting with E, and I've decided that yes, I'm going to ask C out. I'm nervous about all this. Besides the familiar nervousness about asking for a date and getting shot down (a D/s interaction every man has experienced), I've got doubt about my ability to make this all work, to get to the land of thorns and honey. But I'm resolved to push forward, to put myself out there and see what unfolds.
I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Hello, world
I've enjoyed blogs written by other submissive men, and now I'm moved to write. To introduce myself, or at least record my thoughts, if no one's reading.
I am a middle-aged submissive man, single, and wanting to find a woman to devote myself to. I've been aware that I am submissive since before puberty. I have acted on this some, both before and after my long vanilla marriage. I've been to Pro-Dommes and I sampled the local BDSM scene. I had trememdously exciting experiences. But nothing approaching a relationship. And I've realized that I want to be in a loving, intimate, femdom relationship. I want to meet a woman whose company I enjoy, who inspires my devotion, and who uses erotic domination to train me to serve her whims.
A big dream, perhaps. I'm going to write about my attempts, the efforts of one subboy wannabe.
I decided to leave the BDSM scene for two reasons. First, it seemed to be mostly about S/M, where my interest is more in D/s. Oh, I'm a masochist, and can get turned on by pain. But really, I'm a service sub, and that's not particularly the way my local community tilted. Second, the community was rather small. People seemed to be mostly coupled, and I doubted there was going to be much opportunity to meet a woman I really felt compatible with. Where we felt that spark, that lively interest that could make a night on the town a wonderful adventure, with or without kink.
I'm thinking it might be more fruitful to find a woman I feel the chemistry with, get into a relationship with her, and try to introduce femdom into it. As advised by Elise Sutton, for instance. Anyway, that's my current program. I'm planning to update with reports on my efforts, whatever success or failure I have. I do wanna be a subboy, claimed and collared.
I am a middle-aged submissive man, single, and wanting to find a woman to devote myself to. I've been aware that I am submissive since before puberty. I have acted on this some, both before and after my long vanilla marriage. I've been to Pro-Dommes and I sampled the local BDSM scene. I had trememdously exciting experiences. But nothing approaching a relationship. And I've realized that I want to be in a loving, intimate, femdom relationship. I want to meet a woman whose company I enjoy, who inspires my devotion, and who uses erotic domination to train me to serve her whims.
A big dream, perhaps. I'm going to write about my attempts, the efforts of one subboy wannabe.
I decided to leave the BDSM scene for two reasons. First, it seemed to be mostly about S/M, where my interest is more in D/s. Oh, I'm a masochist, and can get turned on by pain. But really, I'm a service sub, and that's not particularly the way my local community tilted. Second, the community was rather small. People seemed to be mostly coupled, and I doubted there was going to be much opportunity to meet a woman I really felt compatible with. Where we felt that spark, that lively interest that could make a night on the town a wonderful adventure, with or without kink.
I'm thinking it might be more fruitful to find a woman I feel the chemistry with, get into a relationship with her, and try to introduce femdom into it. As advised by Elise Sutton, for instance. Anyway, that's my current program. I'm planning to update with reports on my efforts, whatever success or failure I have. I do wanna be a subboy, claimed and collared.
subboy
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