Back on track

I don't handle disappointment very well. My last post described how E's polite but firm refusal to date me brought me down. I was clinging to the hope of a particular outcome with E, and I suffered when I didn't get it. Ah, but I cannot find happiness in an imagined future. I can only be happy in present reality. I know this, but I don't always live it.

I am pleased to report that I have recovered my usual optimistic, joyful mode of living. And I did it by expressing my submissive nature.

I went furniture shopping today with the woman I'll be sharing a massage room with. We had talked about what we needed to furnish the room. I had offered up my massage table, and a stool, chair, and bookcase. This wasn't really an act of generosity, as I wanted to get them out of my house, anyway. We also needed a wardrobe, some lights, a space heater, and a few small things. Today we went to a furniture store to find a wardrobe, the largest piece we needed. I brought up how to pay for things. I'm aware that A has limited financial resources compared to me. So I offered to buy the wardrobe. I asked A if she would be able to get some of the smaller things, and she said she would. So I wasn't carrying the whole load, but clearly more than half. A was pleased and grateful. I told her that I was glad to help her get started in her practice.

I wasn't flirting, or trying to get on A's good side so I could get somewhere with her. I don't feel any sexual energy between us, and I think there's zero chance of us having a relationship, femdom or not. But my desire to help A was clearly gender-based.

Paying for the wardrobe felt very right. And A's ready acceptance of this difference in our roles lifted my spirits. I enjoy serving women, and hope to find a woman to serve in the context of an intimate relationship. But even without the relationship, it was wonderful to have this opportunity to put a woman's needs ahead of mine.